| Oppositional behavior occurs (a) in situations where the child feels his performance will be judged and (b) in interactions with authority figures (e.g., parents, teachers, other authority figures). There are 3 types of oppositional behavior— 1. Active: Here the child (a) deliberately refuses to talk (i.e., silent treatment), (b) debates every statement (e.g., “You’re wrong...”), (c) refuses to see anything wrong with his/her behavior (denial), or (d) behaves aggressively toward others (e.g., intimidating behavior). 2. Unintentional: Here the child (a) is genuinely silent or shy, (b) doesn’t know how to ask for - or accept help, (c) is overly self-conscious, (d) is depressed, or (e) lacks sufficient social skills. 3. Passive: Here the child (a) has no intention of complying -- no matter what, (b) is non-argumentative (e.g., child simply says “Whatever…” and shows a lack of concern), or (c) expresses no indication of compliance or non-compliance. Oppositional, defiant kids need to learn how to: · Ask for help · Apologize · Accept decisions of authorities · Negotiate · Make a complaint without offending adults · Accept responsibility for their behavior · Compromise · Deal with boredom · Deal with frustration · Take appropriate risks Can I give you an idea real quick? A change agent is someone who influences another person to make some improvements in his behavior. I am going to show you how to be the change agent -- and you’ll do a much better job than others because you're the kid’s parent, and you will see him nearly every day as long as he continues to live in your house. I would only have about 12 hours of influence time if I were doing "family therapy" with you and your kid. You will have thousands of hours of influence time. Those parents who use the strategies you are about to learn are reporting incredible success and improvements at home. We are going to come up with some very effective strategies. But doing them halfway or giving up once you start will do more harm than not doing them at all. You must commit to being consistent and following through in order for this to work. You can’t control your kid, but you can influence him or her. And if the parent fails to influence the child, the world will CONTROL the child -- and the world is not concerned about what is right or fair. Know that your child WILL resist change. For a while, it may seem as though things are getting worse. This is because your child is adjusting to the changes you make. But don’t be fooled!!! Your child will try very hard to make you believe that your parenting changes are not working and that your new discipline has no effect. When parents implement the parenting strategies in this eBook, the change cycle looks something like this: 1. Initially, things get worse (i.e., your kid does not like your new parenting strategies and begins to act-out even more) 2. After a couple weeks, problems between parent and child eventually occur less frequently, but with the same intensity (e.g., instead of 5 heated arguments a week, there are only 2) 3. Problems between parent and child occur less frequently AND with less intensity (e.g., only 1 argument a week that is not very heated) Will all problems go away totally -- and stay away forever? No. But problems WILL occur with less frequency and severity over time. And you will be able to cope better due to a reduction in your stress-level. You literally have the toughest job in the world, because you are helping with the development of a human being (your child). Human beings are the most complex things on earth – more complicated than computers (after all, humans created computers), more complicated than spacecraft (after all, humans created space craft). And human beings are especially complicated when they are defiant. So this week when you begin to doubt yourself or feel discouraged or feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that this is not an easy job for any of us. Let's say, for example, that your child is 10-years-old. It took 10 years for the problems to get to this point. So, it is going to take at least a week or two to get your child "back on track." Be patient with the process -- and you will out-will your strong-willed child. |
Are you therapy drunk?
Many of the parents that join Online Parent Support
are therapy-drunk. What I mean is: their child has
been in anger-management therapy for his violent
outbursts, the family has had family therapy in
order to develop conflict management skills, mom
and dad have had couples therapy (or marital
counseling) to resolve communication problems,
mom has had individual psychotherapy for her
depression. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You don't need
any more therapy!
I find that when parents have a few simple parenting
tools in dealing with the out-of-control child, they
actually do a much better job of influencing him/her
to change unwanted behavior than a juvenile
probation officer, cop, counselor, psychiatrist, etc.
Many of the parents that join Online Parent Support
are therapy-drunk. What I mean is: their child has
been in anger-management therapy for his violent
outbursts, the family has had family therapy in
order to develop conflict management skills, mom
and dad have had couples therapy (or marital
counseling) to resolve communication problems,
mom has had individual psychotherapy for her
depression. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You don't need
any more therapy!
I find that when parents have a few simple parenting
tools in dealing with the out-of-control child, they
actually do a much better job of influencing him/her
to change unwanted behavior than a juvenile
probation officer, cop, counselor, psychiatrist, etc.
