How many times have you told someone, “I've tried everything -- and nothing works with this child?”

Are you extremely frustrated with your child’s behavior? Does it seem to be getting worse? Has it been bad for
a long time? Have you tried your best to come up with solutions to the problems, but without the success you
hoped for? If so, you're probably feeling angry, hurt, hopeless and helpless. You may even want someone else
to take a shot at controlling your child (e.g., the father, a grandparent, an aunt, the cops).

When we, as parents, begin to feel as though we are losing our grip on our children, we often tell ourselves
things like:

  • Surely my child is just going through some kind of phase.
  • Surely this bad behavior will be temporary -- she will hopefully outgrow it.
  • It has got to get better at some point.
  • Why me? What did I do to deserve this abuse?
  • I never treated my parents this way.
  • My other child never treated me this way.
  • I can’t trust him anymore. He steals from me, lies to me, totally disrespects me, and doesn't appreciate
    anything I do for him.
  • Maybe she should go live with her father.
  • Maybe he needs to go to a counselor.
  • Maybe she needs to be on some kind of medication.
  • Maybe I can get him to behave if I threaten to call the police.
  • Maybe she will calm down if I give in and let her have her way.
  • I really have failed as a parent.
  • It's probably my fault.
  • I give up! I'm in a hopeless situation with this child.
  • I feel so helpless -- I'm at my wits-end!

These are the stages that a parent of an out-of-control child goes though:

1. Denial – Trying to convince yourself that the problem is not as bad as it appears.

2. Anger – Feeling hurt by, or even afraid of, your child’s behavior.   

3. Bargaining – Trying your best to come up with a solution with little or no success.       

4. Depression – Feeling helpless, hopeless, and a sense of loss; possibly becoming angry with yourself;
letting others take a shot at controlling your child.

5. Acceptance – When you stop blaming your child AND yourself for past problems and simply go about
the business of using some new and different parenting strategies.
Symptoms parents can expect to experience
when dealing with an oppositional defiant child:

  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Apathy
  • Anger
  • Guilt ("If only I had . . .”)
  • Shame (“Am I just a bad parent?”)
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Loss of appetite
  • Increased cravings for junk food
  • Withdrawal from others
  • Irritability
  • Intense sadness or tears when a memory is
    triggered
  • Loneliness, or a sense of separateness from
    your kid
  • Numbness