Mark - I wanted you to see what the teachers have said since we last spoke! We have had a victory- hopefully
the beginning of many! It works, it really works! You are a God send!
THANK GOD!! WOOHOOO -- B.I.
Teachers write:
So far today D___ has continued to surprise me. He has done wonderfully. Way to go
mom. Now we know the rest of the story and what needs to be done to get his attention.
He is a great kid!!!
I wanted you to know that D___ had a terrific day yesterday. He finish all the
assignments he was missing and he raised his hand the correct way to get help. He
followed all the rules just like he was supposed to do. He earned his behavior clip and he
seemed to be very proud of it. He has come in this morning and without my telling him he
started to work. I am seeing a totally different kid and I love it. I will try to let you know
more later.
===========================================================================
Thanks Mark. After reading some of your ebook, it makes me realize areas we have to work on. Not ONE
counselor we've ever seen has ever made more sense -- we've wasted hours in counseling. We are going to
take some positive steps forward now. -- E. & P.
===========================================================================
Mark Hutten,
You completely rock!! I am only on Week #1, and I am already seeing a change. I am so impressed with your
web site. I keep finding more and more good, helpful stuff! Thank you and your staff so much! May God
bless you as you help us one child at a time to stop the insanity of out of control kids. -- O.C.
===========================================================================
Today, I spoke to my son's former counselor (whom I was asking for a referral for another counseling,
which I did before I found your ebook). I told her, “I think I don't need it for now,” because I found your
site. I gave her your site and told her to spread the word about your ebook, since her job deals with parents
and kids of similar problems.
In a week's time, I've seen a great change. Now my 2nd son (AJ) asks permission before he goes out of the
house and calls me when he can't come home on the agreed time. I can also see some smiles on his face little
by little.
Thanks again for all the help! -- A.D.
===========================================================================
Thanks again Mark. I have been very impressed with your advice and felt I should "pay it forward" as we
feel we are getting such extreme value for our money. As such, I sent your web mail address to the doctor
who was "trying" to help us. Our son was so extremely disrespectful during our visit with the doctor that he
was exasperated at the end and told us there was nothing more he could do and so we should consider
kicking him out at 18 and prior to that, send him to a home for "raging" teens if his behaviour continued. I
also note that our doctor has a Psychology degree.
I know he has many cases such as ours, so I sent him your website to pass on to other parents who would
benefit from this resource.
Kindest regards,
S.
===========================================================================
Mark-
I am only on the second week of your program, but I am already seeing an amazing and positive difference
in my daughter. We have struggled with her behavior since she was 9 months old. I was humbled and
astounded to learn that I was a big part of the problem in the way that I was reacting to her. We actually have
some peace in our home and she even hugs us and says “I love you” on a regular basis. She has even begun
apologizing for getting angry and being unreasonable.
The next step is to help her bring her grades up and stay out of trouble at school. I have every confidence
that we have turned a corner and I’m referring everyone I know to your program.
Thank you! -- T.E.
===========================================================================
I should mention our successes. Last week, our son received a merit award at school assembly for his
‘amazing improvements’ in class. He was also sent to the headmaster to show him a piece of creative writing
he’d done, which was beautiful, detailed and above all way beyond what he was asked to do (he had been
doing absolute minimum, and nowhere near what he is capable of). The headmaster wrote him a note of
congratulations, which he proudly brought home. Mark, I just want you to know this is completely
unprecedented. I believe it is entirely due to the changes we’ve made at home by following the program . As
you mentioned, it is going to take some time to turn around behaviour that has become habit over 11 years,
and I’m sure there are continuing challenges ahead, but we really want to thank you this program, and the
insight and support it provides.
Best regards,
L.
===========================================================================
In reading your book, I realized that there are others out there that have exactly the same problems as
I do, and who are making exactly the same mistakes as I was -- and that there are people like yourself that
advocate what I believed in. This has helped me gain the strength I needed to tackle the onslaught. And let
me tell you that this is exactly what it has been the last 3 weeks.
I put the expectations and responsibilities with the earning or loss of privileges on paper, and when I handed
it to my son and wanted to discuss it with him – well, almighty hell broke loose! And this continued for a
whole week – constant swearing and telling me he will not adhere to it and I will not control him.
Although battered and bruised by the emotional experience, I am proud of myself -- I did it! I put my poker
face on and stuck to my guns. A week later, although he is still not earning any pocket money (as he refuses
to do what I have put on the list), he did come to me and ask what he needed to do to get his computer back.
We are now at the un-grounding point (and the 'get the computer back' point) as he has managed to go a
whole week without loosing his temper and swearing. He still does have the attitude that he will not do what
is on the list, but I am watching him carefully -- and have been able to keep the discipline in place for the
relevant things I put on the list. -- G.D.
===========================================================================
I am an Officer in the Canadian Forces Reserve (CIC) and my Branch of the CF deals with youth training
(ages 12 to 19). I currently command my own unit. I am always dealing with youth who are either out-of-
control, or have a tendency to get out-of-control. I also work with a Special Needs camp for teens with
behavioral problems, and melt-downs are not uncommon. I have found your e-book and power point
presentations an excellent source of information at opening up the line of communication with these kids.
My own children are 4 and 6. They are not out-of-control teens, but I feel that the information you have
given me will allow me to set the ground rules to allow for a great "teen experience". I am fully aware of
"inclusion," and I empower my kids now to behave well for me by allowing them to set the limits in a task,
trip, or outing, so they feel like it's there work paying off. I know at age 6 the concept may be lost, but I feel
what they learn from it will allow me to understand how to keep those lines of communication open down
the road.
I would like to thank you for such great material. I hope I can change the lives of many more teens, as I
have done much so far. However, it is only those who really want to change their lives that I have been
able to help. They must make that decision as they under go their own journey. -- T.T.
===========================================================================
I will tell you that I've done the first two steps and I'm still reading, but I wanted to have a copy handy
electronically to build a cheat sheet and mold my mantras. Thanks so much for writing this, I was a little
hesitant at first when I was browsing your site...but in the end, I was more like...it can't hurt and if it teaches
me one thing...then for that I will be a better parent.
Your statement you make in the first step "I have an obligation to you, my child, as a parent to..." That
statement alone made me a better parent. I've said it to my son and I've said to others in my life who would
like to be a bigger priority in my life. This statement has made things even more clear to me...as a single
parent and for that I'll always be grateful. Thanks again.
Sign me "an obligated parent who gladly accepts the honor of releasing into this world (eventually) an
upstanding, independent, responsible, young, adult male.
Gracefully,
R.V.
===========================================================================
Dear Mark,
I wanted to let you know we have completed the first section of program and are starting on section 2.
Today I had the challenge of saying no and sticking to it when my son wanted me to make an exception to a
consequence he was given for skipping school = (Car is parked) and dishonesty when he told me he would
take my truck to the gym, only to find out he did not go to the gym at all = (Loss of cell phone). This morning
he told me he hated me and that he wished I would get into a car accident on the way home from driving him
to school. I was able to apply the art of removing my myself from his comments emotionally and better yet,
when he called me later to ask again if he could go to his girlfriends (because he was doing better in school
and really trying) I was able to say no, and that I am proud he is doing better in school, however, I gave the
reason for the continued consequence. I was ready to say, I will not argue, and didn’t have to as he said okay
and then apologized for saying what he said to me this morning. I then was able to tell him that he gets angry
and says those things as he has trouble expressing emotions. (I had written ALL the points down today and
they were in front of me when he called.) I said we would need to work on this and that I love him very much.
We ended the conversation without further problems.
You have to understand that he has been out of control for almost a year now so this was a huge step in the
right direction.
I know this is just a start, but it feels so good to have some tools to use that really work. Thank-you so much
and I will keep you posted. -- S.S.
===========================================================================
I have worked for the school for over twenty years in various positions including therapist, Director of
Residential Life, Dean of Counseling, Dean of Students. Recently we have established the position of Parent
Liaison to assist parents with the challenges of having their son in a boarding school and I have moved into
this role. In addition to being a mentor for the parents, I will also be conducting parenting workshops
through the year.
I am also working on a school based web site that will offer assistance to our parents, and am pleased to be
offering a link to your web site and book. Your book and web site is an excellent source of guidance and
support for all parents, not just those of troubled teens.
Best regards,
Jim Graves, MC
Parent Liaison
St. Paul's Preparatory Academy
Educating Young Men Since 1961
===========================================================================
I downloaded your ebook a while ago, and it is great. I have spoken to you for help along the way. My
children's names are E____ (who has ASD), M____ (she's 11), and J____ (he's 13 with some ASD
difficulties).
I am a Qualified Primary schoolteacher and have been specialising in helping parents and students in the
area of 'challenging behaviour'. Recently I changed my job and am now working with a lot of schools around
creating safer emotional and physical environments. This means working with teachers, students, parents
and the communities. I was wondering if you have anything in New Zealand as far as training is concerned,
as a lot of the difficulties that the parents are coming across would be massively helped with your teachings.
They are surrounded by professionals who are still talking about time-out consequences and behaviour
reinforcements. Many of these parents have had years of this, and as you say have 'dipped in and out' often
depending on how much they could cope with at the time. Many of them are at the stage of having pre teens
with all the new emotional stresses and behaviours. Many of these parents could not afford to buy your
ebook because of the exchange rate -- and they get me for free if it is through the school. Although I have
done some private trainings around explosive behaviours, anxiety, stress and visual learning.
I am a qualified N.L.P. trainer and practitioner and was wondering if there was any way we could get this
information over to NZ. Anyway, if you could think of any thing that might help please let me know.
I would be happy to do some training if that was possible. Many thanks for your time. -- L. A.
===========================================================================
Hi Mark,
I just signed up for the Online Parent Support and have just completed Week #1.
After years of misbehaviour and conflict I took my daughter (just turned 11) to see a Pediatrician, on the
recommendation of my family physician. After my first visit and interview with the Pediatrician, I was told
that "if you look up ODD in the dictionary, you would likely see a picture of your daughter". We talked a
little about this disorder and when I left his office I actually felt some relief that there was a reason my
daughter behaves the way she does.
When I got home I went onto the internet wanting to find out as much as possible about this disorder so I
could have a better understanding what was going on with her. During my research, I found your Online
Parent Support website. As I read through some of the information, I thought this was exacting what I was
looking for. When I signed up for the course I was desperate for answers as to why my daughter behaves
and responds they way she does.
Since completing Week #1, I have found that this is just as much about my "self discovery" as a person and
as a parent as it is about my daughter. How I react and interact with her is key. I have implemented many of
the suggestions and techniques, and they have worked beautifully in defusing many situations that would
have, otherwise, ended up in huge explosions, tantrums and hurt feelings.
Also, understanding this oppositional, defiant behaviour has given me so much more insight and compassion
and, as a result, has given me the strength to stay calm, not react and to let go of the small things.
Thank you for providing this online parent support, I'm truly looking forward to Weeks 2-4.
Sincerely,
G.W.
===========================================================================
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE GREAT ADVICE. I DO UNDERSTAND AND AGREE WITH YOUR
POINTS. I JUST HAVE TO DO IT WITH MY TEENS. I WILL PRINT OUT YOUR EMAIL-
CONSULTATION AND RE-READ IT MANY TIMES.
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND AND I WILL TRY MY BEST. THANKS AGAIN. I AM VERY HAPPY AND
COMFORTED THAT I JOINED YOUR CLASS. -- T.S.
===========================================================================
Hi Mark,
Your web site has given me and my partner a great deal of hope with our daughter. She is 12 but I can see
already that with our "over parenting & over indulging" that it hasn’t done S___ any favours at all.
I thought that one of the key areas you wrote about was very interesting to me, was the topic that as parents
you shouldn't feel guilty for trying your very best & to take time out to look after yourself. I constantly feel
guilty for being a working mum etc. My mother was very strict and I was afraid that I was treating S___ the
same as I was quiet frightened of her as a child and didn't want to make S___ feel the same ever. I guess I
have again over done the indulging side.
A thing that makes me laugh to myself is that I teach in a further education college here in the UK and I can
get my kids at work to literally eat out of my hand and are as good as gold. Even the ones with ADHD etc.,
but my very own 12 year old girl -- well that’s another matter!
I love the site and have read the material over and over. I will stick to the 4 weeks with vivid interest, and I
can see how the techniques you promote will help me in my job as a lecturer too.
Keep the good work. With kind regards,
J.
===========================================================================
THIS IS ABOUT MY 10 YEAR OLD GRANDSON WHOM I HAVE BEEN WITH ALMOST EVERY DAY
SINCE HE AND HIS TWIN SISTER WERE BORN. FOR B_____, THERE HAVE BEEN MANY
PSYCHIATRIC VISITS AND ONE RECENT HOSPITALIZATION AT A PROMINENT CHILD PSYCH
FACILITY, YET NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN GIVEN TO HELP THOSE CAREGIVERS WHO ARE WITH
B____ MOST OF THE WAKING DAY.
YOUR BOOK WAS THE FIRST. I PERUSED IT THIS WEEK AND GOT:
1ST - HAVE A POKER FACE WHEN DEALING WITH THIS CHILD BECAUSE "CONVENTIONAL
METHODS DO NOT WORK."
2ND - DON'T ARGUE - LET IT BE A "TEMPER TANTRUM" NOT A 2-WAY FIGHT …AND, OF COURSE,
I MARKED MANY, MANY PAGES.
THERE IS, THANKFULLY, ATTENTION NOW BEING GIVEN TO RESEARCH IN YOUTH PSYCHIATRY.
WELL, NO QUESTION NOW, JUST THANK YOU. -- J.B.
===========================================================================
You have given us so much relief by responding to our questions. Thank you very, very much. Your book
is great, and we can't tell you how much we appreciate your dedication to teaching parents how to deal with
difficult kids, like the one we have! -- B. & B.
===========================================================================
It was a Godsend to speak to you, and again -- I thank you!
I am better today. Lia is home. I tried your the technique you teach of "give some praise through a wired
shut by anger mouth"... :-) ..., yesterday on Lia. She DID the dishes, 1st time out and good.
After she finished them I said "TTTttttttthhhhhhaaannnnnkkkkk (aaarrrgggggggaAAaag) Yyyyyoooouuuu.
You did the dishes great and even put them away without being asked. Want to help with dinner?"...
I swear she stood frozen, like a deer cemented in headlights, and eventually said "sure". So today is a new
day. A thankful while hopeful day for the ONE day of peace I had yesterday and for the hope of adding
another day today. It is at least a start. Thank you!
Take Care,
D.
===========================================================================
Thank you so much for being available -- I still can't get over your generosity! It seems amazing to me that
I have no one to talk to about these things, and I need to rely on a stranger half way around the world -- but
God bless you for your work -- things have really improved since I started this process -- it was so out of
control, and overwhelming. -- L.W.
===========================================================================
Hi Mark,
It has taken longer than necessary for me to complete this program, but I have finally done it! During these
past few weeks, my husband and I have been implementing many steps, successfully. Our son, Daniel, has
been completing his weekly chores with not much complaint. The times that he forgets (or for some reason
doesn't complete the chores) we deduct from his allowance. There haven't been any big blow-ups around
here, and the few irritable times we've had have been much less stressful. Once school begins in a couple of
weeks, we might have some tense times, but I do feel prepared for them now. Also, I re-took the quiz; the
first time I scored in the 80s, today I scored a 56. I really do thank you very, very much. This is a great
program and I will be re-reading it many times.
I would love the certificate as well. I hope it's ok to email you from time to time to say hi and fill you in on
our progress.
Enjoy your summer,
S.B.
===========================================================================
Hello Mark,
I have successfully (I think) completed your program with my 14-year-old daughter and things are WAY
better. It has been a rough two years, and though I’m no fool and know there's more to come, your program
has helped me stop what felt was a runaway train. -- T.H.
===========================================================================
Nothing has helped as much as this common sense advice. We've been to counseling, read books, you name
it. We can't even put into words what we owe you. Thank you so much for your help. -- L.A.
===========================================================================
Tara and I joined your website for our 16 year old quite a few months back. Let me say this after having
gone through many different programs for difficult teenagers, your program is very solid. We have told our
current counselors and connections about it so that other parents may use your very good resources, too.
Our son is to the point now where he no longer argues. – T.M.
===========================================================================
Dear Mark,
Had to write to tell you that we have completed your course. Other parents need to know it is not an easy
change to make but as you explained it was well worth it. I know that we will still experience some bumpy
times but we are feeling a bit more confident as we continue to practice the skills. Our household is certainly
seeing the difference and we feel more prepared to deal with our 15 year old daughter as she progresses
through these teenage years.
A lot of what we learned has also enabled us to utilize it with our two sons who are in their 20s as well. One
thing I think we especially learned was that it is never too late to be an assertive parent and be a change agent
in our children's lives. You do have to recognize when you aren't being assertive and willing to make the
needed changes for your sake and theirs, too.
After reading your autonomy section under Summary Points, the muddy waters cleared for us even further.
We have re-instituted family meetings with ALL members of the family as much as possible so that no one is
singled out. We have established a family support system and letting all of them know there is no shame in
asking for help when you need it. Running away will not solve anything. House rules, fair-fighting, decision-
making, etc. have been established. We continue to do your assignments and are getting better at them, too.
Best of all, this has made our marriage stronger! We remind each other about the "arts" of saying yes and no.
We work together on earned privileges and consequences. We've learned more than we want to know about
"underground punk". Most of all, we are hopeful that there will be living left for us when the kids all leave
home because before that we felt drained. They do all leave home, eventually, don't they?
Just kidding, as we do believe assertive parenting will accomplish that. It is interesting, though, how you can
fall into passive or aggressive parenting easily if you are not on guard. It is easier to see it in other parents
first. Thanks again for your program and knowing that you will be there for us in the days, weeks and
months ahead.
If there is anything we can do to "give back" please let us know. We do plan to "pay it forward" and steer
parents to your program if they ask us how we managed to cope with our out-of-control teenager.
Sincerely,
G. & J.
===========================================================================
==> An email from Mark's boss, the Chief Probation Officer, Madison Superior Court, Division II:
It must be gratifying to hear such positive feedback about your work. I know I haven't said this in a while,
but I am very glad to have you here, working with "our" kids. I appreciate your insight and your "heart" for
these kids.
I just watched "Take the Lead", which is based on a true story about a man who made a commitment to teach
ballroom dancing to inner city kids in New York who were in "detention" for the remainder of the school
year. No one else would work with them. His message to them was simple: have enough confidence in
yourself to lead; enough trust in yourself to follow; and to always show respect for others. Very powerful
stuff.
There are only a few of you around, Mark. Keep doing what you love - it shows. -- Katherine
the beginning of many! It works, it really works! You are a God send!
THANK GOD!! WOOHOOO -- B.I.
Teachers write:
So far today D___ has continued to surprise me. He has done wonderfully. Way to go
mom. Now we know the rest of the story and what needs to be done to get his attention.
He is a great kid!!!
I wanted you to know that D___ had a terrific day yesterday. He finish all the
assignments he was missing and he raised his hand the correct way to get help. He
followed all the rules just like he was supposed to do. He earned his behavior clip and he
seemed to be very proud of it. He has come in this morning and without my telling him he
started to work. I am seeing a totally different kid and I love it. I will try to let you know
more later.
===========================================================================
Thanks Mark. After reading some of your ebook, it makes me realize areas we have to work on. Not ONE
counselor we've ever seen has ever made more sense -- we've wasted hours in counseling. We are going to
take some positive steps forward now. -- E. & P.
===========================================================================
Mark Hutten,
You completely rock!! I am only on Week #1, and I am already seeing a change. I am so impressed with your
web site. I keep finding more and more good, helpful stuff! Thank you and your staff so much! May God
bless you as you help us one child at a time to stop the insanity of out of control kids. -- O.C.
===========================================================================
Today, I spoke to my son's former counselor (whom I was asking for a referral for another counseling,
which I did before I found your ebook). I told her, “I think I don't need it for now,” because I found your
site. I gave her your site and told her to spread the word about your ebook, since her job deals with parents
and kids of similar problems.
In a week's time, I've seen a great change. Now my 2nd son (AJ) asks permission before he goes out of the
house and calls me when he can't come home on the agreed time. I can also see some smiles on his face little
by little.
Thanks again for all the help! -- A.D.
===========================================================================
Thanks again Mark. I have been very impressed with your advice and felt I should "pay it forward" as we
feel we are getting such extreme value for our money. As such, I sent your web mail address to the doctor
who was "trying" to help us. Our son was so extremely disrespectful during our visit with the doctor that he
was exasperated at the end and told us there was nothing more he could do and so we should consider
kicking him out at 18 and prior to that, send him to a home for "raging" teens if his behaviour continued. I
also note that our doctor has a Psychology degree.
I know he has many cases such as ours, so I sent him your website to pass on to other parents who would
benefit from this resource.
Kindest regards,
S.
===========================================================================
Mark-
I am only on the second week of your program, but I am already seeing an amazing and positive difference
in my daughter. We have struggled with her behavior since she was 9 months old. I was humbled and
astounded to learn that I was a big part of the problem in the way that I was reacting to her. We actually have
some peace in our home and she even hugs us and says “I love you” on a regular basis. She has even begun
apologizing for getting angry and being unreasonable.
The next step is to help her bring her grades up and stay out of trouble at school. I have every confidence
that we have turned a corner and I’m referring everyone I know to your program.
Thank you! -- T.E.
===========================================================================
I should mention our successes. Last week, our son received a merit award at school assembly for his
‘amazing improvements’ in class. He was also sent to the headmaster to show him a piece of creative writing
he’d done, which was beautiful, detailed and above all way beyond what he was asked to do (he had been
doing absolute minimum, and nowhere near what he is capable of). The headmaster wrote him a note of
congratulations, which he proudly brought home. Mark, I just want you to know this is completely
unprecedented. I believe it is entirely due to the changes we’ve made at home by following the program . As
you mentioned, it is going to take some time to turn around behaviour that has become habit over 11 years,
and I’m sure there are continuing challenges ahead, but we really want to thank you this program, and the
insight and support it provides.
Best regards,
L.
===========================================================================
In reading your book, I realized that there are others out there that have exactly the same problems as
I do, and who are making exactly the same mistakes as I was -- and that there are people like yourself that
advocate what I believed in. This has helped me gain the strength I needed to tackle the onslaught. And let
me tell you that this is exactly what it has been the last 3 weeks.
I put the expectations and responsibilities with the earning or loss of privileges on paper, and when I handed
it to my son and wanted to discuss it with him – well, almighty hell broke loose! And this continued for a
whole week – constant swearing and telling me he will not adhere to it and I will not control him.
Although battered and bruised by the emotional experience, I am proud of myself -- I did it! I put my poker
face on and stuck to my guns. A week later, although he is still not earning any pocket money (as he refuses
to do what I have put on the list), he did come to me and ask what he needed to do to get his computer back.
We are now at the un-grounding point (and the 'get the computer back' point) as he has managed to go a
whole week without loosing his temper and swearing. He still does have the attitude that he will not do what
is on the list, but I am watching him carefully -- and have been able to keep the discipline in place for the
relevant things I put on the list. -- G.D.
===========================================================================
I am an Officer in the Canadian Forces Reserve (CIC) and my Branch of the CF deals with youth training
(ages 12 to 19). I currently command my own unit. I am always dealing with youth who are either out-of-
control, or have a tendency to get out-of-control. I also work with a Special Needs camp for teens with
behavioral problems, and melt-downs are not uncommon. I have found your e-book and power point
presentations an excellent source of information at opening up the line of communication with these kids.
My own children are 4 and 6. They are not out-of-control teens, but I feel that the information you have
given me will allow me to set the ground rules to allow for a great "teen experience". I am fully aware of
"inclusion," and I empower my kids now to behave well for me by allowing them to set the limits in a task,
trip, or outing, so they feel like it's there work paying off. I know at age 6 the concept may be lost, but I feel
what they learn from it will allow me to understand how to keep those lines of communication open down
the road.
I would like to thank you for such great material. I hope I can change the lives of many more teens, as I
have done much so far. However, it is only those who really want to change their lives that I have been
able to help. They must make that decision as they under go their own journey. -- T.T.
===========================================================================
I will tell you that I've done the first two steps and I'm still reading, but I wanted to have a copy handy
electronically to build a cheat sheet and mold my mantras. Thanks so much for writing this, I was a little
hesitant at first when I was browsing your site...but in the end, I was more like...it can't hurt and if it teaches
me one thing...then for that I will be a better parent.
Your statement you make in the first step "I have an obligation to you, my child, as a parent to..." That
statement alone made me a better parent. I've said it to my son and I've said to others in my life who would
like to be a bigger priority in my life. This statement has made things even more clear to me...as a single
parent and for that I'll always be grateful. Thanks again.
Sign me "an obligated parent who gladly accepts the honor of releasing into this world (eventually) an
upstanding, independent, responsible, young, adult male.
Gracefully,
R.V.
===========================================================================
Dear Mark,
I wanted to let you know we have completed the first section of program and are starting on section 2.
Today I had the challenge of saying no and sticking to it when my son wanted me to make an exception to a
consequence he was given for skipping school = (Car is parked) and dishonesty when he told me he would
take my truck to the gym, only to find out he did not go to the gym at all = (Loss of cell phone). This morning
he told me he hated me and that he wished I would get into a car accident on the way home from driving him
to school. I was able to apply the art of removing my myself from his comments emotionally and better yet,
when he called me later to ask again if he could go to his girlfriends (because he was doing better in school
and really trying) I was able to say no, and that I am proud he is doing better in school, however, I gave the
reason for the continued consequence. I was ready to say, I will not argue, and didn’t have to as he said okay
and then apologized for saying what he said to me this morning. I then was able to tell him that he gets angry
and says those things as he has trouble expressing emotions. (I had written ALL the points down today and
they were in front of me when he called.) I said we would need to work on this and that I love him very much.
We ended the conversation without further problems.
You have to understand that he has been out of control for almost a year now so this was a huge step in the
right direction.
I know this is just a start, but it feels so good to have some tools to use that really work. Thank-you so much
and I will keep you posted. -- S.S.
===========================================================================
I have worked for the school for over twenty years in various positions including therapist, Director of
Residential Life, Dean of Counseling, Dean of Students. Recently we have established the position of Parent
Liaison to assist parents with the challenges of having their son in a boarding school and I have moved into
this role. In addition to being a mentor for the parents, I will also be conducting parenting workshops
through the year.
I am also working on a school based web site that will offer assistance to our parents, and am pleased to be
offering a link to your web site and book. Your book and web site is an excellent source of guidance and
support for all parents, not just those of troubled teens.
Best regards,
Jim Graves, MC
Parent Liaison
St. Paul's Preparatory Academy
Educating Young Men Since 1961
===========================================================================
I downloaded your ebook a while ago, and it is great. I have spoken to you for help along the way. My
children's names are E____ (who has ASD), M____ (she's 11), and J____ (he's 13 with some ASD
difficulties).
I am a Qualified Primary schoolteacher and have been specialising in helping parents and students in the
area of 'challenging behaviour'. Recently I changed my job and am now working with a lot of schools around
creating safer emotional and physical environments. This means working with teachers, students, parents
and the communities. I was wondering if you have anything in New Zealand as far as training is concerned,
as a lot of the difficulties that the parents are coming across would be massively helped with your teachings.
They are surrounded by professionals who are still talking about time-out consequences and behaviour
reinforcements. Many of these parents have had years of this, and as you say have 'dipped in and out' often
depending on how much they could cope with at the time. Many of them are at the stage of having pre teens
with all the new emotional stresses and behaviours. Many of these parents could not afford to buy your
ebook because of the exchange rate -- and they get me for free if it is through the school. Although I have
done some private trainings around explosive behaviours, anxiety, stress and visual learning.
I am a qualified N.L.P. trainer and practitioner and was wondering if there was any way we could get this
information over to NZ. Anyway, if you could think of any thing that might help please let me know.
I would be happy to do some training if that was possible. Many thanks for your time. -- L. A.
===========================================================================
Hi Mark,
I just signed up for the Online Parent Support and have just completed Week #1.
After years of misbehaviour and conflict I took my daughter (just turned 11) to see a Pediatrician, on the
recommendation of my family physician. After my first visit and interview with the Pediatrician, I was told
that "if you look up ODD in the dictionary, you would likely see a picture of your daughter". We talked a
little about this disorder and when I left his office I actually felt some relief that there was a reason my
daughter behaves the way she does.
When I got home I went onto the internet wanting to find out as much as possible about this disorder so I
could have a better understanding what was going on with her. During my research, I found your Online
Parent Support website. As I read through some of the information, I thought this was exacting what I was
looking for. When I signed up for the course I was desperate for answers as to why my daughter behaves
and responds they way she does.
Since completing Week #1, I have found that this is just as much about my "self discovery" as a person and
as a parent as it is about my daughter. How I react and interact with her is key. I have implemented many of
the suggestions and techniques, and they have worked beautifully in defusing many situations that would
have, otherwise, ended up in huge explosions, tantrums and hurt feelings.
Also, understanding this oppositional, defiant behaviour has given me so much more insight and compassion
and, as a result, has given me the strength to stay calm, not react and to let go of the small things.
Thank you for providing this online parent support, I'm truly looking forward to Weeks 2-4.
Sincerely,
G.W.
===========================================================================
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE GREAT ADVICE. I DO UNDERSTAND AND AGREE WITH YOUR
POINTS. I JUST HAVE TO DO IT WITH MY TEENS. I WILL PRINT OUT YOUR EMAIL-
CONSULTATION AND RE-READ IT MANY TIMES.
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND AND I WILL TRY MY BEST. THANKS AGAIN. I AM VERY HAPPY AND
COMFORTED THAT I JOINED YOUR CLASS. -- T.S.
===========================================================================
Hi Mark,
Your web site has given me and my partner a great deal of hope with our daughter. She is 12 but I can see
already that with our "over parenting & over indulging" that it hasn’t done S___ any favours at all.
I thought that one of the key areas you wrote about was very interesting to me, was the topic that as parents
you shouldn't feel guilty for trying your very best & to take time out to look after yourself. I constantly feel
guilty for being a working mum etc. My mother was very strict and I was afraid that I was treating S___ the
same as I was quiet frightened of her as a child and didn't want to make S___ feel the same ever. I guess I
have again over done the indulging side.
A thing that makes me laugh to myself is that I teach in a further education college here in the UK and I can
get my kids at work to literally eat out of my hand and are as good as gold. Even the ones with ADHD etc.,
but my very own 12 year old girl -- well that’s another matter!
I love the site and have read the material over and over. I will stick to the 4 weeks with vivid interest, and I
can see how the techniques you promote will help me in my job as a lecturer too.
Keep the good work. With kind regards,
J.
===========================================================================
THIS IS ABOUT MY 10 YEAR OLD GRANDSON WHOM I HAVE BEEN WITH ALMOST EVERY DAY
SINCE HE AND HIS TWIN SISTER WERE BORN. FOR B_____, THERE HAVE BEEN MANY
PSYCHIATRIC VISITS AND ONE RECENT HOSPITALIZATION AT A PROMINENT CHILD PSYCH
FACILITY, YET NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN GIVEN TO HELP THOSE CAREGIVERS WHO ARE WITH
B____ MOST OF THE WAKING DAY.
YOUR BOOK WAS THE FIRST. I PERUSED IT THIS WEEK AND GOT:
1ST - HAVE A POKER FACE WHEN DEALING WITH THIS CHILD BECAUSE "CONVENTIONAL
METHODS DO NOT WORK."
2ND - DON'T ARGUE - LET IT BE A "TEMPER TANTRUM" NOT A 2-WAY FIGHT …AND, OF COURSE,
I MARKED MANY, MANY PAGES.
THERE IS, THANKFULLY, ATTENTION NOW BEING GIVEN TO RESEARCH IN YOUTH PSYCHIATRY.
WELL, NO QUESTION NOW, JUST THANK YOU. -- J.B.
===========================================================================
You have given us so much relief by responding to our questions. Thank you very, very much. Your book
is great, and we can't tell you how much we appreciate your dedication to teaching parents how to deal with
difficult kids, like the one we have! -- B. & B.
===========================================================================
It was a Godsend to speak to you, and again -- I thank you!
I am better today. Lia is home. I tried your the technique you teach of "give some praise through a wired
shut by anger mouth"... :-) ..., yesterday on Lia. She DID the dishes, 1st time out and good.
After she finished them I said "TTTttttttthhhhhhaaannnnnkkkkk (aaarrrgggggggaAAaag) Yyyyyoooouuuu.
You did the dishes great and even put them away without being asked. Want to help with dinner?"...
I swear she stood frozen, like a deer cemented in headlights, and eventually said "sure". So today is a new
day. A thankful while hopeful day for the ONE day of peace I had yesterday and for the hope of adding
another day today. It is at least a start. Thank you!
Take Care,
D.
===========================================================================
Thank you so much for being available -- I still can't get over your generosity! It seems amazing to me that
I have no one to talk to about these things, and I need to rely on a stranger half way around the world -- but
God bless you for your work -- things have really improved since I started this process -- it was so out of
control, and overwhelming. -- L.W.
===========================================================================
Hi Mark,
It has taken longer than necessary for me to complete this program, but I have finally done it! During these
past few weeks, my husband and I have been implementing many steps, successfully. Our son, Daniel, has
been completing his weekly chores with not much complaint. The times that he forgets (or for some reason
doesn't complete the chores) we deduct from his allowance. There haven't been any big blow-ups around
here, and the few irritable times we've had have been much less stressful. Once school begins in a couple of
weeks, we might have some tense times, but I do feel prepared for them now. Also, I re-took the quiz; the
first time I scored in the 80s, today I scored a 56. I really do thank you very, very much. This is a great
program and I will be re-reading it many times.
I would love the certificate as well. I hope it's ok to email you from time to time to say hi and fill you in on
our progress.
Enjoy your summer,
S.B.
===========================================================================
Hello Mark,
I have successfully (I think) completed your program with my 14-year-old daughter and things are WAY
better. It has been a rough two years, and though I’m no fool and know there's more to come, your program
has helped me stop what felt was a runaway train. -- T.H.
===========================================================================
Nothing has helped as much as this common sense advice. We've been to counseling, read books, you name
it. We can't even put into words what we owe you. Thank you so much for your help. -- L.A.
===========================================================================
Tara and I joined your website for our 16 year old quite a few months back. Let me say this after having
gone through many different programs for difficult teenagers, your program is very solid. We have told our
current counselors and connections about it so that other parents may use your very good resources, too.
Our son is to the point now where he no longer argues. – T.M.
===========================================================================
Dear Mark,
Had to write to tell you that we have completed your course. Other parents need to know it is not an easy
change to make but as you explained it was well worth it. I know that we will still experience some bumpy
times but we are feeling a bit more confident as we continue to practice the skills. Our household is certainly
seeing the difference and we feel more prepared to deal with our 15 year old daughter as she progresses
through these teenage years.
A lot of what we learned has also enabled us to utilize it with our two sons who are in their 20s as well. One
thing I think we especially learned was that it is never too late to be an assertive parent and be a change agent
in our children's lives. You do have to recognize when you aren't being assertive and willing to make the
needed changes for your sake and theirs, too.
After reading your autonomy section under Summary Points, the muddy waters cleared for us even further.
We have re-instituted family meetings with ALL members of the family as much as possible so that no one is
singled out. We have established a family support system and letting all of them know there is no shame in
asking for help when you need it. Running away will not solve anything. House rules, fair-fighting, decision-
making, etc. have been established. We continue to do your assignments and are getting better at them, too.
Best of all, this has made our marriage stronger! We remind each other about the "arts" of saying yes and no.
We work together on earned privileges and consequences. We've learned more than we want to know about
"underground punk". Most of all, we are hopeful that there will be living left for us when the kids all leave
home because before that we felt drained. They do all leave home, eventually, don't they?
Just kidding, as we do believe assertive parenting will accomplish that. It is interesting, though, how you can
fall into passive or aggressive parenting easily if you are not on guard. It is easier to see it in other parents
first. Thanks again for your program and knowing that you will be there for us in the days, weeks and
months ahead.
If there is anything we can do to "give back" please let us know. We do plan to "pay it forward" and steer
parents to your program if they ask us how we managed to cope with our out-of-control teenager.
Sincerely,
G. & J.
===========================================================================
==> An email from Mark's boss, the Chief Probation Officer, Madison Superior Court, Division II:
It must be gratifying to hear such positive feedback about your work. I know I haven't said this in a while,
but I am very glad to have you here, working with "our" kids. I appreciate your insight and your "heart" for
these kids.
I just watched "Take the Lead", which is based on a true story about a man who made a commitment to teach
ballroom dancing to inner city kids in New York who were in "detention" for the remainder of the school
year. No one else would work with them. His message to them was simple: have enough confidence in
yourself to lead; enough trust in yourself to follow; and to always show respect for others. Very powerful
stuff.
There are only a few of you around, Mark. Keep doing what you love - it shows. -- Katherine
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