| Parenting Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder |
Ask The Parent Coach—
Hi Mark,
I am the adoptive mother of a child with RAD. He is a hand-full to say the least. Can you give me some suggestions
(in addition to what you discuss in your eBook) on how to deal with Reactive Attachment Disorder behavior and the
accompanying parental-stress?
Thank you!
J.H.
````````````````````````````````````````
Hi J.,
Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a
battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur.
Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly
believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally
unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may
think that you -- the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse
allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so
destructive.
It is a known fact that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm
strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become
isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.
Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It's
heartbreaking, frustrating, mind boggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we're fighting to teach our children
how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse
for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that
are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and
your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words; you ache for them. Despite your loving
intentions and actions, it's thrown in your face. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities,
a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling
childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.
In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing
battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can
result in disastrous effects on our well being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.
In parenting a child with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to
recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that
extensive stress is unhealthy.
By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily
available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences
into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.
The strains a Reactive Attachment Child puts on your family can be enormous.
Effects on the family of a RAD Child:
· A RAD child will play one parent off the other, which could result in a rift between parents.
· Dreams of the perfect loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a RAD
family can become quite dysfunctional.
· Due to child’s disruptive behavior, parents often withdraw from social functions.
· Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration due to RAD behavior.
· Friends, family, church members become critical of parenting and attitude.
· Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not
work with RAD children.
· Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened. It is extremely important for RAD children to have
their own room - for their own good as well as the safety of siblings.
· Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the RAD child takes up so much of the parent’s time. Schedule,
daily or weekly, one-on-one quality time for each child in the family.
Mother’s Stress—
SELF-BLAME: Many moms have the misconception that they should be able to solve their child’s problems (super-
mom syndrome). The worst of all feelings! We are angels, not gods.
GUILT: On many levels.
1. About how we often feel toward our child. Let’s face it, their disorder makes them hard to “like” let alone
“love” sometimes.
2. That “we” let our family fall apart (the god thing again).
3. That we are angry with God for the tremendous challenge.
4. That we are having trouble forgiving our child for past behaviors - BIG ONE!
5. That we don’t spend enough quality time with our other children, our spouse, and, in taking care of ourselves.
6. Without knowing any better most of us have lost our tempers or worse with our child.
ANGER: Or betrayal or feeling frustrated.
1. At everyone you had to “explain” the disorder to and that you had to explain the disorder to so many.
2. At family and friends for saying things like, “All kids do that!” And for not understanding what our life was like.
3. At God - Why me?
4. At our Attachment Disordered child. For doing this “to us”. We took it personally and saw the child “as” the
disorder, instead of a child “with” an emotional disorder.
5. At our husbands for not believing us or noticing the child’s strange manipulations, for not understanding, for
not supporting us emotionally, for counter-mining our new parenting techniques (usually by losing their temper), for
not being as committed in using the new parenting techniques or reading the materials. For “saving” the child when
he/she didn’t need saving, for not helping us when we needed helped, for leaving it all to us.
6. At ourselves for not being our “old self” or fun anymore.
7. At the system or adoption agency. Cries for help went out for years - bad advice and blame were given in
return.
DISTRUST:
1. Of helping professionals. We have been given so much “bad” advice we question even “good” advice.
2. Of other supports.
3. Of ourselves, our abilities -- feeling un-empowered.
4. Of the system.
DESPAIR AND LOSS OF HOPE:
1. “Will it ever get better?”
2. “Why read another book - nothing helps.” “I’m tired.”
ISOLATED and ALONE:
No one understands and we “believe” we can’t get respite from our problem child.
OVERWHELMED:
Many moms suffer from Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Your child’s therapist may be your best resource. Request a separate session, this is not for your child’s ears. I
encourage therapists to initiate a session for this purpose.
Parenting a Reactive Attachment Disorder child, who has not learned to trust, is difficult. Without trust there is no
respect, honesty or real affection.
Parenting Tips—
Lectures, warnings, hollering, bribes, second chances and reminders do NOT work. You are wasting your time and
breath. Your child knows the rules he or she just refuses to obey your rules!
Remember – his or her actions are often automatic responses learned from infancy. Your child is in their element
when you have lost your control!
Natural Consequences:
· Did not bring homework home – go back and get it or assign your own homework.
· Room not cleaned – stay in your room until it is clean.
· Does not want to eat – no problem, they will not starve, but they will sit at the table while the family eats (NO
snack before next meal).
· Misbehaving at dinnertime – remove them from the table. They can go to their room until dinner is over– so
the rest of the family can enjoy a peaceful meal.
· Broken object – they must replace it with their own money or with chores.
· Foul mouth, raised voice, rudeness, and back talk – can be rewarded with chores, exercise (jumping jacks, sit
ups, running on the spot) or payment to money jar.
· Hurt someone – they must apologize and lose privileges (having friends over, watching TV, playing video
games, using the telephone, etc.). Most likely, they will not mean the apology, but it is a habit-forming process.
Avoid control battles! Your child wants to control you, even if it means making you angry and them being disciplined.
No one wins and you will end up frustrated. Try, “When you clean your room properly, you can have ____,” (lunch,
playtime, etc.) –whatever fits the daily schedule.
Never believe your child, “Honest, Mom, I’m telling the truth! Why won’t you believe me, you never believe me!” Don’t
let that sway you; your child is one of the best liars around. Should a miracle happen and you later find out your
child was telling the truth; look them in the eye, apologize sincerely and reward – perhaps with a favorite dessert,
comic, or hug. If you find that more and more your child has told the truth, then you can start to let your guard down.
When giving compliments give them in ‘now’ time. “You showed great sportsmanship today!” or “You did a really
good job on the dishes. Thank you.” Do not be surprised when your child sabotages these good moments. This is
their only way of regaining control of their environment. Until they learn to trust you, this is their safety net.
Disciplines and punishments should also be in the ‘now’ time. Groundings for the week(s) may sound good to you
but your RAD child lives in the ‘now’ mode. Cause and effect are not easily understood, if at all; especially if the
effect lasts more than a day or two. You will find that if the grounding is too long or heavy your child will act out even
more as they think, “Why not, I’m already grounded from everything”.
“Ain’t Misbehaving” Money Jar -- Each week have a roll of $2/nickels or $5/dimes and place in a jar; then for each
negative behavior take a nickel or dime out of the jar. At the end of the week your child gets to keep the money in
the jar. Be sure to point out how much money was in the jar at the beginning of the week.
Do not leave RAD children in the care of adults that will allow the child to manipulate them. No child will trust and
respect others who are weaker than them; this includes grandparents, childcare, teachers, etc. Weak care-givers
will just reinforce your child’s belief that adults cannot be trusted and they can only depend on themselves for
survival.
The RAD child's beliefs:
· I am unlovable.
· I must control at all costs if I am to survive.
· My parents are my enemy and if they get too close to me, I will not survive the pain.
· My parents are unloving.
· The world is unsafe.
What in a child's behavior or life experience tells us that we must look at problems with attachment as a key focus of
treatment?
· This child did not get her basic need for protection, belonging or consistent care met during her first three
years because of abuse, neglect, her parent's illness or chemical abuse, separation from her parent, having too
many caregivers or sever chronic pain that no caregiver could ease.
· This child is hypervigilent, always on guard as to what bad thing will happen next to him. He believes that
whatever he does in school or at home doesn't count or won't last, which leaves him feeling angry, powerless and
anxious.
· This child is out of sync with his own body and has shut off his ability to use his five senses to relax or explore
his world. He doesn't know when he is in pain or feel full after eating. He can lose bowel control, hoard food, or
ignore his basic hygiene. He has trouble playing or just "being in the moment" while having fun.
· This child lacks the ability to "put herself in another's shoes" and show compassion or remorse. She can seek
out doing harm to those she sees as weaker or to the adult doing the most to try to care for her. She can tease, hit,
set fires, and break objects in ways that seem deliberate and at times, cruel.
· This child relates to people in either an "inhibited" or "disinhibited" way, meaning he avoids contact with
anyone who tries to get close or gets immediately friendly with anyone then pulls away when that person is no longer
useful to him.
· This child seems surrounded by adults who are unreasonably hostile to her because she is so skilled in
bringing this feeling out in anyone who tries to guide or care for her. She can also appear superficially charming to
adults new to her and can rally sympathy for "how badly she's been treated" by those hostile others.
· This child seems to need to be in control of everyone around her, even as she seems so unable to be in
control of herself. She does this by demanding, arguing, needing to win, having the last word, taking other's things,
taking on the "boss" role or blaming other kids and "crazy" lying, that is unable to say, "I did it, I am sorry" no matter
what evidence to the contrary.
· This child's self worth has become tied to playing whatever role she learned to use to get attention from her
first adults. She became an entertainer, a mini-caregiver, a demanding bully, a manipulator or an overly compliant
pleaser, but she never felt secure that the adults could stick around and keep her safe.
Mark Hutten, M.A.
==> How To Parent Out-of-Control Children With Reactive Attachment Disorder
Hi Mark,
I am the adoptive mother of a child with RAD. He is a hand-full to say the least. Can you give me some suggestions
(in addition to what you discuss in your eBook) on how to deal with Reactive Attachment Disorder behavior and the
accompanying parental-stress?
Thank you!
J.H.
````````````````````````````````````````
Hi J.,
Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a
battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur.
Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly
believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally
unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may
think that you -- the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse
allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so
destructive.
It is a known fact that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm
strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become
isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.
Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It's
heartbreaking, frustrating, mind boggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we're fighting to teach our children
how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse
for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that
are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and
your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words; you ache for them. Despite your loving
intentions and actions, it's thrown in your face. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities,
a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling
childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.
In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing
battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can
result in disastrous effects on our well being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.
In parenting a child with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to
recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that
extensive stress is unhealthy.
By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily
available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences
into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.
The strains a Reactive Attachment Child puts on your family can be enormous.
Effects on the family of a RAD Child:
· A RAD child will play one parent off the other, which could result in a rift between parents.
· Dreams of the perfect loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a RAD
family can become quite dysfunctional.
· Due to child’s disruptive behavior, parents often withdraw from social functions.
· Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration due to RAD behavior.
· Friends, family, church members become critical of parenting and attitude.
· Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not
work with RAD children.
· Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened. It is extremely important for RAD children to have
their own room - for their own good as well as the safety of siblings.
· Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the RAD child takes up so much of the parent’s time. Schedule,
daily or weekly, one-on-one quality time for each child in the family.
Mother’s Stress—
SELF-BLAME: Many moms have the misconception that they should be able to solve their child’s problems (super-
mom syndrome). The worst of all feelings! We are angels, not gods.
GUILT: On many levels.
1. About how we often feel toward our child. Let’s face it, their disorder makes them hard to “like” let alone
“love” sometimes.
2. That “we” let our family fall apart (the god thing again).
3. That we are angry with God for the tremendous challenge.
4. That we are having trouble forgiving our child for past behaviors - BIG ONE!
5. That we don’t spend enough quality time with our other children, our spouse, and, in taking care of ourselves.
6. Without knowing any better most of us have lost our tempers or worse with our child.
ANGER: Or betrayal or feeling frustrated.
1. At everyone you had to “explain” the disorder to and that you had to explain the disorder to so many.
2. At family and friends for saying things like, “All kids do that!” And for not understanding what our life was like.
3. At God - Why me?
4. At our Attachment Disordered child. For doing this “to us”. We took it personally and saw the child “as” the
disorder, instead of a child “with” an emotional disorder.
5. At our husbands for not believing us or noticing the child’s strange manipulations, for not understanding, for
not supporting us emotionally, for counter-mining our new parenting techniques (usually by losing their temper), for
not being as committed in using the new parenting techniques or reading the materials. For “saving” the child when
he/she didn’t need saving, for not helping us when we needed helped, for leaving it all to us.
6. At ourselves for not being our “old self” or fun anymore.
7. At the system or adoption agency. Cries for help went out for years - bad advice and blame were given in
return.
DISTRUST:
1. Of helping professionals. We have been given so much “bad” advice we question even “good” advice.
2. Of other supports.
3. Of ourselves, our abilities -- feeling un-empowered.
4. Of the system.
DESPAIR AND LOSS OF HOPE:
1. “Will it ever get better?”
2. “Why read another book - nothing helps.” “I’m tired.”
ISOLATED and ALONE:
No one understands and we “believe” we can’t get respite from our problem child.
OVERWHELMED:
Many moms suffer from Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Your child’s therapist may be your best resource. Request a separate session, this is not for your child’s ears. I
encourage therapists to initiate a session for this purpose.
Parenting a Reactive Attachment Disorder child, who has not learned to trust, is difficult. Without trust there is no
respect, honesty or real affection.
Parenting Tips—
Lectures, warnings, hollering, bribes, second chances and reminders do NOT work. You are wasting your time and
breath. Your child knows the rules he or she just refuses to obey your rules!
Remember – his or her actions are often automatic responses learned from infancy. Your child is in their element
when you have lost your control!
Natural Consequences:
· Did not bring homework home – go back and get it or assign your own homework.
· Room not cleaned – stay in your room until it is clean.
· Does not want to eat – no problem, they will not starve, but they will sit at the table while the family eats (NO
snack before next meal).
· Misbehaving at dinnertime – remove them from the table. They can go to their room until dinner is over– so
the rest of the family can enjoy a peaceful meal.
· Broken object – they must replace it with their own money or with chores.
· Foul mouth, raised voice, rudeness, and back talk – can be rewarded with chores, exercise (jumping jacks, sit
ups, running on the spot) or payment to money jar.
· Hurt someone – they must apologize and lose privileges (having friends over, watching TV, playing video
games, using the telephone, etc.). Most likely, they will not mean the apology, but it is a habit-forming process.
Avoid control battles! Your child wants to control you, even if it means making you angry and them being disciplined.
No one wins and you will end up frustrated. Try, “When you clean your room properly, you can have ____,” (lunch,
playtime, etc.) –whatever fits the daily schedule.
Never believe your child, “Honest, Mom, I’m telling the truth! Why won’t you believe me, you never believe me!” Don’t
let that sway you; your child is one of the best liars around. Should a miracle happen and you later find out your
child was telling the truth; look them in the eye, apologize sincerely and reward – perhaps with a favorite dessert,
comic, or hug. If you find that more and more your child has told the truth, then you can start to let your guard down.
When giving compliments give them in ‘now’ time. “You showed great sportsmanship today!” or “You did a really
good job on the dishes. Thank you.” Do not be surprised when your child sabotages these good moments. This is
their only way of regaining control of their environment. Until they learn to trust you, this is their safety net.
Disciplines and punishments should also be in the ‘now’ time. Groundings for the week(s) may sound good to you
but your RAD child lives in the ‘now’ mode. Cause and effect are not easily understood, if at all; especially if the
effect lasts more than a day or two. You will find that if the grounding is too long or heavy your child will act out even
more as they think, “Why not, I’m already grounded from everything”.
“Ain’t Misbehaving” Money Jar -- Each week have a roll of $2/nickels or $5/dimes and place in a jar; then for each
negative behavior take a nickel or dime out of the jar. At the end of the week your child gets to keep the money in
the jar. Be sure to point out how much money was in the jar at the beginning of the week.
Do not leave RAD children in the care of adults that will allow the child to manipulate them. No child will trust and
respect others who are weaker than them; this includes grandparents, childcare, teachers, etc. Weak care-givers
will just reinforce your child’s belief that adults cannot be trusted and they can only depend on themselves for
survival.
The RAD child's beliefs:
· I am unlovable.
· I must control at all costs if I am to survive.
· My parents are my enemy and if they get too close to me, I will not survive the pain.
· My parents are unloving.
· The world is unsafe.
What in a child's behavior or life experience tells us that we must look at problems with attachment as a key focus of
treatment?
· This child did not get her basic need for protection, belonging or consistent care met during her first three
years because of abuse, neglect, her parent's illness or chemical abuse, separation from her parent, having too
many caregivers or sever chronic pain that no caregiver could ease.
· This child is hypervigilent, always on guard as to what bad thing will happen next to him. He believes that
whatever he does in school or at home doesn't count or won't last, which leaves him feeling angry, powerless and
anxious.
· This child is out of sync with his own body and has shut off his ability to use his five senses to relax or explore
his world. He doesn't know when he is in pain or feel full after eating. He can lose bowel control, hoard food, or
ignore his basic hygiene. He has trouble playing or just "being in the moment" while having fun.
· This child lacks the ability to "put herself in another's shoes" and show compassion or remorse. She can seek
out doing harm to those she sees as weaker or to the adult doing the most to try to care for her. She can tease, hit,
set fires, and break objects in ways that seem deliberate and at times, cruel.
· This child relates to people in either an "inhibited" or "disinhibited" way, meaning he avoids contact with
anyone who tries to get close or gets immediately friendly with anyone then pulls away when that person is no longer
useful to him.
· This child seems surrounded by adults who are unreasonably hostile to her because she is so skilled in
bringing this feeling out in anyone who tries to guide or care for her. She can also appear superficially charming to
adults new to her and can rally sympathy for "how badly she's been treated" by those hostile others.
· This child seems to need to be in control of everyone around her, even as she seems so unable to be in
control of herself. She does this by demanding, arguing, needing to win, having the last word, taking other's things,
taking on the "boss" role or blaming other kids and "crazy" lying, that is unable to say, "I did it, I am sorry" no matter
what evidence to the contrary.
· This child's self worth has become tied to playing whatever role she learned to use to get attention from her
first adults. She became an entertainer, a mini-caregiver, a demanding bully, a manipulator or an overly compliant
pleaser, but she never felt secure that the adults could stick around and keep her safe.
Mark Hutten, M.A.
==> How To Parent Out-of-Control Children With Reactive Attachment Disorder