| 1. Continue Session #1 Assignments. 2. Pay close attention to your child’s guilt trips this week. 3. Catch yourself feeling sorry for your child this week. 4. Use The Art of Saying “Yes” whenever your answer is “yes.” 5. Use The Art of Saying “No” whenever your answer is “no.” 6. Give your child one "mandatory chore" per day (5 - 7 days a week). 7. Consider paying money for discipline (optional): Give the child weekly chores to earn an allowance. When the child misbehaves, forewarn he/she will be charged a fee for misbehavior. If forewarning does not work, take a portion of the allowance away or withhold a portion of future allowance. 8. Catch your child in the act of doing something right at least once each day – accuse him/her of being successful!!! For example: “I noticed you picked your jacket up off the floor …I appreciate that!” “I see that you’re doing your chore without having to be asked …thank you!” “You got home by curfew …that’s you being responsible!” “Your sister annoyed you and you walked away …that’s good self-control!” “I see that you’re upset, and I appreciate that you’re handling your strong feelings well.” “I see that you’re frustrated with the assignment and that you’re sticking with it." “I like that you were honest when it would have been easy to lie …that’s respectful!” “You’ve been using much more self-control when you’re mad.” “You did what I asked right away …you followed directions beautifully!” ...or 9. Catch your child in the act of not doing something wrong at least once each day (this is cheating, but do it anyway). When you catch your child not doing something wrong, you are creating opportunities for success that would not occur otherwise: “I noticed you haven’t argued with your brother this evening …thank you!” “I noticed you were not on the phone much this evening …that’s being thoughtful!” “I appreciate that you have not been ditching school or violating curfew …that’s using good judgment!” “I haven’t received any calls from school lately … that’s you being successful.” |
SESSION #2 ASSIGNMENTS--
Instructional Video #18
The Power of Positive Reinforcement
How many times a day does a parent have to correct her
child’s misbehavior with statements such as “Stop
fighting” …“No more name calling” …“How many times
am I going to have to ask you to take the trash out?”
For a parent, the number seems beyond what one can
count. However, what if when a person was grown, what
he or she remembered from childhood were statements
from Mom and Dad like “I am so thankful you are ready
for school on time” …“I really like it when you do your
chores right away when I ask” …“Because you and your
brother are playing so nicely together, I brought you both
some milk and cookies?”
Any parent can appreciate the sound of children happily
and quietly playing, staying out of trouble. However, kids
need and seek attention. If children get attention for
desired behavior, they are more likely to resign
themselves to such behavior, as their needs are being
met. However, children who feel ignored or unattended
will often go to any means necessary to get the attention
they need. This is especially true for strong-willed
children.
Positive Reinforcement—
In behavior theory, positive reinforcement is the addition
of a stimulus that follows a behavior and subsequently
increases that particular response. This phenomenon is
readily observed in the parent-child interaction. For
example, if a parent responds to a misbehaved, attention-
seeking child, the attention (even though it may not be the
friendly kind) is likely to reinforce the child’s behavior.
Because bad behavior cannot be ignored, positive
reinforcement for desired behavior becomes imperative
(remember children will often do whatever it takes to get
their needs met). So, how can parents, with all of the
things they have to get done in one day, give enough
attention to their children so as to foster positive
behavior? The answer is simple: Catch your children
being good and reward them for it.
Catching Your Child Being Good—
It may take some time to cultivate this habit, however,
when your children are displaying a desired behavior,
stop what you are doing and let them now you appreciate
their behavior. Adding a small treat (like the cookies and
milk discussed above) for extra special behavior can be
especially powerful.
Because so many people were raised with the idea that
they should not have to be rewarded for doing what they
were supposed to do, family therapists are often asked
what types of behaviors should a parent reward. Here are
a few examples of times one wants to catch a child being
good:
Children-
· Acts of kindness or generosity
· Children playing cooperatively together
· Demonstrating a positive attitude toward school or
household assignments
· Quick obedience (doing things immediately when
asked without any argument)
· Sharing
· Taking initiative (doing things without having to be
asked)
· Any behavior a parent wants to foster
Adolescents-
· Returning home by curfew
· Not associating with a negative peer
· Putting in applications for employment
· Bringing home a paycheck
· Going several months without wrecking the car (for
driving teens)
· Making passing grades on report cards
· Any behavior a parent wants to foster
Stock Your Home with Reinforcers—
Children most often will not work for what parents want
(e.g., children who grow up to be strong, productive, pro-
social members of society), but they will work for what
they want. Keeping small items around the house to
communicate to your children that positive behavior is
important can be quite handy. Here are some items a
parent may want to consider stocking in advance:
· A child’s favorite type of pencil or pen (or other
inexpensive supply)
· Gift Cards ($5.00 or less)
· Movie Vouchers
· Quarters (or other coins)
· Small hard candy (sugar-free if preferred)
· Stickers
Transition from Consistent Reinforcement to
Intermittent Reinforcement over Time—
As bad behavior becomes less frequent and the positive
behavior commonplace, it is important to decrease the
frequency of reinforcement. However, some intermittent
reinforcement needs to remain in place so as not to
extinguish the good behavior. For example, parents may
choose to only apply positive reinforcement every third or
fourth time they catch the child behaving well, or they may
rotate the behaviors they will reinforce at any given time.
Any changes in positive reinforcement should be done
gradually and only after a parent is certain the child has
mastered a particular behavior.
Don’t Feed The Wrong Behavior—
Imagine there are two dogs inside your home -- one
good and the other bad. Now imagine they are fighting
constantly. Which one will win the fight? The one you
feed! Why? Because you are strengthening it!
Children's behavior works the same way. Feed the
negative and you will increase this behavior. Feed the
positive and you will see more positive behavior. And the
food of behavior is your attention.
Unfortunately, many parents focus on catching children
when they are misbehaving. Every time they yell 'Stop it!'
they are feeding the wrong dog. This has got to change.
The main focus must not be on catching misbehavior.
The focus must be on catching children doing things
right.
So now mom tries something different. As Ryan is
running, she tells him to stop running and to play quietly
with his Lego set in the family room. As Ryan is playing
quietly, mom goes over to him and simply mentions how
nicely he is playing. Ryan continues to play quietly and
several minutes later, mom goes to him and mentions it
again. They smile at each other and mom gives Ryan a
hug.
The truth of the matter is that Ryan was actually a good
listener and had always been a good listener. Every time
mom told him to stop doing something, he stopped, and
started doing something else. The problem is, mom
never really told him what to do.
We cannot assume that children will automatically know
what to do when we tell them what not to do. Tell your
child directly what you expect and follow it up with
feedback when they do it. Feedback is how you give
attention to feed behavior.
For feedback, all you have to do is mention the very
behavior the child is doing. "You are playing quietly ...You
ate your broccoli ...You shared your toy." If you forget to
mention it as the behavior is occurring, mention it later, at
bedtime. "You put the crayons away this afternoon, all by
yourself!"
The key is not to withhold feedback, but to provide it for
appropriate behavior. Whenever you see your child doing
something you would like to see repeated, provide
feedback.
Mark
How many times a day does a parent have to correct her
child’s misbehavior with statements such as “Stop
fighting” …“No more name calling” …“How many times
am I going to have to ask you to take the trash out?”
For a parent, the number seems beyond what one can
count. However, what if when a person was grown, what
he or she remembered from childhood were statements
from Mom and Dad like “I am so thankful you are ready
for school on time” …“I really like it when you do your
chores right away when I ask” …“Because you and your
brother are playing so nicely together, I brought you both
some milk and cookies?”
Any parent can appreciate the sound of children happily
and quietly playing, staying out of trouble. However, kids
need and seek attention. If children get attention for
desired behavior, they are more likely to resign
themselves to such behavior, as their needs are being
met. However, children who feel ignored or unattended
will often go to any means necessary to get the attention
they need. This is especially true for strong-willed
children.
Positive Reinforcement—
In behavior theory, positive reinforcement is the addition
of a stimulus that follows a behavior and subsequently
increases that particular response. This phenomenon is
readily observed in the parent-child interaction. For
example, if a parent responds to a misbehaved, attention-
seeking child, the attention (even though it may not be the
friendly kind) is likely to reinforce the child’s behavior.
Because bad behavior cannot be ignored, positive
reinforcement for desired behavior becomes imperative
(remember children will often do whatever it takes to get
their needs met). So, how can parents, with all of the
things they have to get done in one day, give enough
attention to their children so as to foster positive
behavior? The answer is simple: Catch your children
being good and reward them for it.
Catching Your Child Being Good—
It may take some time to cultivate this habit, however,
when your children are displaying a desired behavior,
stop what you are doing and let them now you appreciate
their behavior. Adding a small treat (like the cookies and
milk discussed above) for extra special behavior can be
especially powerful.
Because so many people were raised with the idea that
they should not have to be rewarded for doing what they
were supposed to do, family therapists are often asked
what types of behaviors should a parent reward. Here are
a few examples of times one wants to catch a child being
good:
Children-
· Acts of kindness or generosity
· Children playing cooperatively together
· Demonstrating a positive attitude toward school or
household assignments
· Quick obedience (doing things immediately when
asked without any argument)
· Sharing
· Taking initiative (doing things without having to be
asked)
· Any behavior a parent wants to foster
Adolescents-
· Returning home by curfew
· Not associating with a negative peer
· Putting in applications for employment
· Bringing home a paycheck
· Going several months without wrecking the car (for
driving teens)
· Making passing grades on report cards
· Any behavior a parent wants to foster
Stock Your Home with Reinforcers—
Children most often will not work for what parents want
(e.g., children who grow up to be strong, productive, pro-
social members of society), but they will work for what
they want. Keeping small items around the house to
communicate to your children that positive behavior is
important can be quite handy. Here are some items a
parent may want to consider stocking in advance:
· A child’s favorite type of pencil or pen (or other
inexpensive supply)
· Gift Cards ($5.00 or less)
· Movie Vouchers
· Quarters (or other coins)
· Small hard candy (sugar-free if preferred)
· Stickers
Transition from Consistent Reinforcement to
Intermittent Reinforcement over Time—
As bad behavior becomes less frequent and the positive
behavior commonplace, it is important to decrease the
frequency of reinforcement. However, some intermittent
reinforcement needs to remain in place so as not to
extinguish the good behavior. For example, parents may
choose to only apply positive reinforcement every third or
fourth time they catch the child behaving well, or they may
rotate the behaviors they will reinforce at any given time.
Any changes in positive reinforcement should be done
gradually and only after a parent is certain the child has
mastered a particular behavior.
Don’t Feed The Wrong Behavior—
Imagine there are two dogs inside your home -- one
good and the other bad. Now imagine they are fighting
constantly. Which one will win the fight? The one you
feed! Why? Because you are strengthening it!
Children's behavior works the same way. Feed the
negative and you will increase this behavior. Feed the
positive and you will see more positive behavior. And the
food of behavior is your attention.
Unfortunately, many parents focus on catching children
when they are misbehaving. Every time they yell 'Stop it!'
they are feeding the wrong dog. This has got to change.
The main focus must not be on catching misbehavior.
The focus must be on catching children doing things
right.
So now mom tries something different. As Ryan is
running, she tells him to stop running and to play quietly
with his Lego set in the family room. As Ryan is playing
quietly, mom goes over to him and simply mentions how
nicely he is playing. Ryan continues to play quietly and
several minutes later, mom goes to him and mentions it
again. They smile at each other and mom gives Ryan a
hug.
The truth of the matter is that Ryan was actually a good
listener and had always been a good listener. Every time
mom told him to stop doing something, he stopped, and
started doing something else. The problem is, mom
never really told him what to do.
We cannot assume that children will automatically know
what to do when we tell them what not to do. Tell your
child directly what you expect and follow it up with
feedback when they do it. Feedback is how you give
attention to feed behavior.
For feedback, all you have to do is mention the very
behavior the child is doing. "You are playing quietly ...You
ate your broccoli ...You shared your toy." If you forget to
mention it as the behavior is occurring, mention it later, at
bedtime. "You put the crayons away this afternoon, all by
yourself!"
The key is not to withhold feedback, but to provide it for
appropriate behavior. Whenever you see your child doing
something you would like to see repeated, provide
feedback.
Mark
| Remember: Your child will initially resist change. For a while it may seem as though things are getting worse. This is because your child is adjusting to the changes you are making. But do NOT be fooled! Your child will try very hard to make you believe that your new parenting changes are not working and that your new disciplinary techniques have no effect. |