| 1. Parent and kid get defensive when talking to one another because there is an emotional link between the two. Think about it. When you don’t care about someone (e.g., Joe Blow), it doesn’t matter much what that person says or does. But when you love and care for someone (i.e., your child) -- and when you want that person to love and respect you in return -- it hurts when they do unloving, uncaring things. And that hurt often comes out as anger and rage against the child. 2. How many times has your out-of-control kid called you a "bitch"? Strong-willed kids hate when their parents bitch and nag -- and they try to get the parent to stop by getting angry at the parent in order to create distance. But nagging equals importance. The parent nags because her kid is important, and because she doesn't want her kid to destroy the relationship. Unfortunately, the kid doesn’t know this and views nagging as criticism and harassment. As a result, the parent’s good message gets lost. 3. When a kid seems insensitive or selfish, it is because she/he is in too much emotional pain to be able to consider the parent. Pain interferes with listening and with understanding where the parent is coming from. This is particularly hard to under- stand when the kid hides her/his pain with rage or with the "silent-treatment." 4. Parents are freaked-out by the fact that they are losing control of their kid’s behavior. And this fear can come out as anger and rage directed toward the out-of-control kid. 5. Sometimes family members behave in manipulative, hurtful ways not because they think this will change the other person’s behavior, but because they honestly feel they are doing the best they can given the circumstances. 6. Everybody in the family thinks they’re doing right. If we think others do bad things because they have evil intentions, we may give up trying to influence them, become afraid of them, get angry with them, seek revenge, etc. Family members aren’t “bad,” they’re just desperate to find a solution to the problems and haven’t found one yet. 7. Family members are sharing a common experience (usually hurt and fear), but are expressing their emotions in different, and sometimes strange ways (e.g., dad has an intimate relationship with the computer; mom sleeps a lot; kid #1 stays away from home all the time and starts using drugs; kid #2 eats too much, never leaves the house and has a weight problem; kid #3 is an over-achiever and perfectionist, always trying to please everyone). 8. We may think, “If I just try harder/stop trying/act nicer/get tougher, etc., the other person will change” – but none of this works! We, as parents, have to be the ones who change. Our best efforts have gotten us to this point. We have to change the way we approach the problems. If we keep doing what we've always done, we keep getting the same poor results. |
Legitimate Reasons for
Parent-Child Conflict –
Parent-Child Conflict –
Ask The Parent Coach—
Hi Mark,
I’m a single mom. My teenage daughter, Maggie, and
I have incredible fights sometimes. No one has ever
gotten to me in quite the way she can. We actually cuss
at each other when these battles are going on. It gets
quite ugly, and I’m a bit embarrassed that I let myself
stoop to her level. How unusual is that kind of conflict
between mothers and daughters? And is there hope for
us?
C.L.
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Hi C.,
It’s not unusual at all, and - yes - there’s hope. Getting
Maggie through adolescence and into adulthood will
change everything – especially when she becomes a
mother. I won’t be surprised if she becomes one of your
best friends later in life. So take heart. A better day is
coming.
There’s something that occurs between some mothers
and teenage daughters. Even though they love each
other, the battles can create a lot of scars. One reason for
the battles is a phenomenon called “two women in the
kitchen” (a kind of natural competitiveness that occurs
between females in the family). Battles can also be
caused by a mother’s inability to cope with an extremely
difficult and antagonistic kid. Whatever the source, it can
make life hell for some families. I know women who
would give their lives for their daughters, yet they say with
fire in their eyes, “I don’t even like her anymore.”
It is very important to build relationships with our teens
and work through conflicts. You can no longer get them
past the predators in the wider world by simply relying on
rules. It still makes sense to prohibit harmful or immoral
behavior, but those prohibitions must be supplemented
by an emotional closeness that makes teens want to do
what is right. They must know that you love them
unconditionally and that everything you require of them is
for their own good – including following rules and
accepting discipline.
Building relationships with teens does not require large
amounts of money. One single mother who raised her
teenager daughters all by herself asked his grown
daughters what they remembered most fondly from their
childhood. Was it the vacations they took or the trips to
theme parks or the zoo? “No,” they answered. “It was
when you baked cookies and sat on the floor with us
while we watched scary movies.” The most meaningful
activities in the family are often those simple interactions
that build lasting connections between generations.
Mark
Hi Mark,
I’m a single mom. My teenage daughter, Maggie, and
I have incredible fights sometimes. No one has ever
gotten to me in quite the way she can. We actually cuss
at each other when these battles are going on. It gets
quite ugly, and I’m a bit embarrassed that I let myself
stoop to her level. How unusual is that kind of conflict
between mothers and daughters? And is there hope for
us?
C.L.
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Hi C.,
It’s not unusual at all, and - yes - there’s hope. Getting
Maggie through adolescence and into adulthood will
change everything – especially when she becomes a
mother. I won’t be surprised if she becomes one of your
best friends later in life. So take heart. A better day is
coming.
There’s something that occurs between some mothers
and teenage daughters. Even though they love each
other, the battles can create a lot of scars. One reason for
the battles is a phenomenon called “two women in the
kitchen” (a kind of natural competitiveness that occurs
between females in the family). Battles can also be
caused by a mother’s inability to cope with an extremely
difficult and antagonistic kid. Whatever the source, it can
make life hell for some families. I know women who
would give their lives for their daughters, yet they say with
fire in their eyes, “I don’t even like her anymore.”
It is very important to build relationships with our teens
and work through conflicts. You can no longer get them
past the predators in the wider world by simply relying on
rules. It still makes sense to prohibit harmful or immoral
behavior, but those prohibitions must be supplemented
by an emotional closeness that makes teens want to do
what is right. They must know that you love them
unconditionally and that everything you require of them is
for their own good – including following rules and
accepting discipline.
Building relationships with teens does not require large
amounts of money. One single mother who raised her
teenager daughters all by herself asked his grown
daughters what they remembered most fondly from their
childhood. Was it the vacations they took or the trips to
theme parks or the zoo? “No,” they answered. “It was
when you baked cookies and sat on the floor with us
while we watched scary movies.” The most meaningful
activities in the family are often those simple interactions
that build lasting connections between generations.
Mark
Instructional Video #5
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