How To Fight Fair--
Instructional Video #8
| Assertive parenting will be the key to your success as you begin implementing these new non-traditional parenting strategies. Approaching problems assertively is something new to most parents, however. Most of us, as parents, have gone back and forth between passive-parenting and aggressive-parenting. In other words, we allowed our children to walk all over us, and we let them have their way -- time and time again. When we finally had enough disrespect and were tired of being taken advantage of, we attempted to set some limits -- but it came in the form of raging at our child. Then we felt guilty for raging and went back to being passive again. |
Dear Parents,
Generally we think of fights as angry confrontations
between parent and child where tempers flare, voices
are raised, and ultimatums are exchanged. This way of
resolving conflict, while unfortunately common, usually
results in bitterness, distrust, and the desire for revenge.
The issues may be temporarily settled, but both parent
and child feel resentful, angry or hurt.
Clean, fair fights, on the other hand, are confrontations
in which disagreements and grievances are dealt with
according to a specific set of guidelines. Applying these
principles, along with the skills of active listening and a
collaborative attitude allows differences to be negotiated.
Successful fights tend to clear up problems and reduce
“resentment flu.” The following guidelines highlight some
of the major fair and unfair fighting techniques parents
use with their kids.
Remember, what you - the parent - need to decide is not
"Should I express my anger?" or even "How should I
express my anger?" but "How can I communicate to my
child about this issue so that she will do something about
it?"
Getting Ready—
· Be able to let go of anger generated by trivial issues.
· Deal with small but significant issues when they
happen.
· Know what you're fighting about. Be specific, limited
and direct with your complaint.
· Bring up one thing at a time.
· Pick a good time. Deal with big issues as soon as
possible. Make and keep an appointment to fight if
necessary.
Unfair:
· Avoiding or ignoring an issue your child feels is
important.
· Bringing up issues from the distant past.
· Giving "the silent treatment".
· Gunny sacking - saving up little hurts and hostilities
then dumping them on your kid all at once.
Initiating—
· Be specific and concise.
· Deal with your child's behavior, not his/her personality.
· Put on your poker face.
· Report your anger appropriately using "I" statements
("I'm angry about...").
· Say what you really mean.
· Stay in the present; use current examples.
Unfair:
· Accusations and blaming.
· Dwelling on past grievances.
· Exaggerating - overreacting to a situation or making
idle threats or ultimatums.
· Generalizing - ("You never..." or "You always...")
· Hitting below the belt, purposely calling attention to
known weaknesses or areas of sensitivity with your child.
· Labeling, name calling, character assassination -
("You little shit…").
· Mind reading - telling your kid what s/he is thinking and
feeling.
Responding—
· Be an active listener - express back to your child what
you understand his/her thoughts and feelings are.
· Be sensitive. Avoid fighting back when your child is just
letting off steam.
· Check out feelings and thoughts you think your
children have if you think you know, but they aren't saying.
· Count to 10, or more if you're really attacked. At least at
first, try not to take your kid's anger personally.
· If you're wrong, admit it!
· Let your first response to a grievance be an attempt to
understand your child's perceptions, values and feelings
– ("Maybe she's had a bad day at school...").
Unfair:
· Assuming your kid should know what you are thinking
or feeling when you haven't said anything.
· Cross-complaining; responding to child's complaint
with one of your own.
· Sulking
Negotiating - Win/Win—
· Try to find a number of ways you can both get
something of what you want. Consider as many options
as possible from all sides of the issue.
· Keep to the subject. Try to resolve one issue before
moving to another.
· Express your interest in coming to a solution that is
satisfactory to you both - a position in which you can both
"win."
· Discuss each other's perceptions. How is it that your
child sees things so differently from you?
· After you understand how your child is feeling, try to
find out what it is she is really interested in obtaining by
making the complaint or grievance - or by not responding
to you.
Unfair:
· Ignoring your child's strong expression of emotions.
· Presenting non-negotiable demands.
· Thinking your child must lose if you are to win (and vice
versa).
Ending—
· Be ready to forgive.
· Call a foul when you feel a guideline has been broken.
· Having physical safety valves for excess emotion
(jogging, biking, listening to music, etc.).
· If the fight is resolved, try to finish with an expression
of positive feelings that you've worked together
successfully.
· If the fight isn't resolved right now, make an
appointment to finish it later. Allow for interim solutions.
Unfair:
· Continuing with repetitious, stale arguments with no
progress being made toward resolution.
· Pretending to go along, or to agree when you really
don't.
· Withholding affections, breaking previous agreements.
Fighting fair is a skill that parents with strong-willed,
out-of-control kids must have in order to (a) successfully
disengage from power struggles and (b) avoid resultant
resentment flu.
Mark
| Here is a method that is neither passive nor aggressive: FAIR FIGHTING-- First, make sure your out-of-control kid understands what a “time-out” is long before any problems occur:
After one hour (if a time-out was needed), "problem-solve" using the following guidelines: 1) When ____________________ (describe what happened without using the word “you”)… Examples: 1. things in the house get broken 2. the 9:00 PM curfew is ignored 3. your sister gets pushed down the stairs 4. under-age drinking occurs 5. I get calls from school regarding behavior 2) It creates a problem for me because _______________ (describe how your child’s negative behavior affected you)… Examples: 1. I have to come up with the money to fix the damage 2. I worry about it and can’t sleep 3. I have to play referee 4. I can get in legal trouble for contributing to the delinquency of a minor 5. I have to stop what I’m doing and try to figure out what’s going on 3) I know that you __________ (state the original “crime”)… Examples: 1. broke the window 2. got home late 3. pushed your sister 4. drank alcohol 5. talked back to the teacher 3 continued) ...because you ____________________ (attach a positive motive to your child’s behavior; convince him he behaved that way for a good reason –- positive reframing)… Examples: 1. didn’t know what else to do with your strong emotions 2. like to be out with your friends 3. don’t realize just how strong you are 4. just wanted to experiment with something new 5. don’t know what else to say when you’re upset 4) But I’d rather we come up with a plan where you ____________________ (child’s new choice that will have a positive outcome for the both of you)… Examples: 1. tell me what you need before you have strong emotions 2. ask me – ahead of time – if you can stay out a little later 3. come to me first when your sister is does things to annoy you 4. wait until you are of legal age to drink 5. let me know what’s bothering you, then I’ll talk to your teacher about what we all can do to make it better for you Here’s a specific example. Let’s say you discover that your son got in your purse and stole $20.00— 1) When money comes-up missing from my purse… 2) It creates a problem for me because I don’t have gas money to get to work… 3) I know that you took the money because you had your heart set on spending it for something really important to you… 4) But I’d rather we come up with a plan where you ask me for a chore to do in order to earn some money. In summary: 1. Avoiding using “you” in steps 1 and 2. 2. Let your child know his negative behavior negatively impacts others. 3. Reframe his behavior (i.e., acknowledge that he behaved a particular way for a good reason – not because he’s a bad kid). 4. Offer options that are likely to have a positive outcome for everybody. ==> But wait - there's more: You do not need to tell your out-of-control kid about the rest of the guidelines that you will be using:
Statements that you may want to use to convey that you are looking for a solution - not a fight - include: It must be hard for you to imagine your life being any different. It must be difficult being you. You look ticked-off, who has been hassling you? Can I help? How long will this problem last? Have you ever thought to yourself “life hasn’t turned out like I thought it would”? |
| Instructional Video #9 |
Attribute Positive Intention To Your Child’s
Behavior (Reverse Psychology or Positive
Reframing)—
An out-of-control kid doesn’t know why he behaves the
way he does, so if you (the parent) claim that he is doing
something for some reason -- and it’s a good reason --
he is inclined to believe it.
For example, if he is angry or negative with you, and you
respond with positive reframing, then he is likely to get
confused. Here he is trying to be defiant and wanting to
get a negative reaction out of you, but you are saying
some nice things that he enjoys hearing! As a result of
his confusion about what you are doing, he unknowingly
becomes your "partner-in-problem-solving."
Here are some examples of reframes:
· Lied – because you didn’t want to upset me by telling
me what really happened
· Stole – because you didn’t think you could get the item
any other way
· Hit your sister – because you don’t know your own
strength
· Skipped school – because you’re annoyed with the
teachers
· Yelled – because you wanted to make sure I heard you
· Got angry – because you wanted to make a point
· Violated the house rule – because you have your own
way of doing things
· Were sarcastic – because you like to joke around
· Have difficulty listening – because you have other
things on his mind
· Have difficulty showing respect - because you feel
uncomfortable with adults telling you what to do
· Lost your temper – because you wanted to express
your emotions
· Argued – because you have your own opinion about it
· Drank alcohol – because you wanted to experiment
with something new
· Broke the window – because you weren’t sure what to
do with your strong feelings
· Ran away from home – because you wanted to be as
far away from the problems as possible
· Used those cuss words – because you wanted to get
rid of your anger
· Screamed at me – because you wanted to get my
attention
· Called me that name – because you’re frustrated with
how things have been going lately
By putting a positive spin on your child’s behavior, you
catch him “off guard” – and when he’s “off guard,” his
defenses are down – and when his defenses are down,
he tends to accept guidance and instruction at an almost
unconscious level.
Other examples (alphabetically):
Behavior (Reverse Psychology or Positive
Reframing)—
An out-of-control kid doesn’t know why he behaves the
way he does, so if you (the parent) claim that he is doing
something for some reason -- and it’s a good reason --
he is inclined to believe it.
For example, if he is angry or negative with you, and you
respond with positive reframing, then he is likely to get
confused. Here he is trying to be defiant and wanting to
get a negative reaction out of you, but you are saying
some nice things that he enjoys hearing! As a result of
his confusion about what you are doing, he unknowingly
becomes your "partner-in-problem-solving."
Here are some examples of reframes:
· Lied – because you didn’t want to upset me by telling
me what really happened
· Stole – because you didn’t think you could get the item
any other way
· Hit your sister – because you don’t know your own
strength
· Skipped school – because you’re annoyed with the
teachers
· Yelled – because you wanted to make sure I heard you
· Got angry – because you wanted to make a point
· Violated the house rule – because you have your own
way of doing things
· Were sarcastic – because you like to joke around
· Have difficulty listening – because you have other
things on his mind
· Have difficulty showing respect - because you feel
uncomfortable with adults telling you what to do
· Lost your temper – because you wanted to express
your emotions
· Argued – because you have your own opinion about it
· Drank alcohol – because you wanted to experiment
with something new
· Broke the window – because you weren’t sure what to
do with your strong feelings
· Ran away from home – because you wanted to be as
far away from the problems as possible
· Used those cuss words – because you wanted to get
rid of your anger
· Screamed at me – because you wanted to get my
attention
· Called me that name – because you’re frustrated with
how things have been going lately
By putting a positive spin on your child’s behavior, you
catch him “off guard” – and when he’s “off guard,” his
defenses are down – and when his defenses are down,
he tends to accept guidance and instruction at an almost
unconscious level.
Other examples (alphabetically):
- Acting “cool”---desire to feel important
- Acting-out---attention-getting (i.e., way of letting
you know how much she needs you to still be
involved in her life; she knows you’ll stay involved
as long as she can’t seem to make it on her own)
- Aggressive---(a) forceful, unaware of his/her
strength, (b) protection
- Anger---fear (we don’t want the other person to
know we are afraid)
- Anger---hurt (we don’t want to give the other
person the satisfaction of knowing they hurt us)
- Anger---less painful emotion (i.e., as long as we
stay angry, we don’t have to (a) face how
desperately alone we feel, or (b) feel hurt and fear
– more painful emotions)
- Anger---loss (e.g., fear of loss of
love/control/sense of trust/sense of family)
- Anger---maintain boundaries
- Anger---need for change in the relationship (e.g.,
motivating the other person to take action; intense
caring)
- Anger---need for protection (i.e., pushing the other
person away to avoid hurt/fear or to be
independent)
- Anger---need to resist change (e.g., because of
respect for the past; to protect oneself by staying
with the familiar; to hold onto the positive things
one has had in the past)
- Antisocial---carefully selecting one’s
acquaintances
- Avoidant/Reclusive---(a) avoid conflict; (b) enjoy
one’s own company
- Confusion---(a) preparation for new growth, or a
step in the process toward new growth, (b)
waiting for an answer – and the answer will be
revealed soon
- Controlling---structuring one’s environment
- Crying---ability to express emotion, especially hurt
- Defensive---emotional links (e.g., kid acts
defensively when he lies because it’s difficult for
him to lie to parent, which implies a relationship
and sense of caring that he can’t express directly)
- Denial---dealing with limited amounts of stress at
a given time, a way to take a time out
- Dependent---can accept help from others, can
ask for assistance
- Depressed---overwhelmed, quite, slowing down,
taking inventory, reflecting on the past, possibility
to rest, gaining strength before some trial or test,
to mature important plans, reflection before
action, hitting the brakes, placing one’s values
and/or goals in a new order
- Failure---an opportunity to learn
- Fickle---ability to change one’s mind quickly
- Fighting---a sign of one’s independence
- Hatred---motivating the other person to take action
- Hostility---involvement
- Immature---aggressive exploration
- Impatient---action-oriented, has high standards
- Impulsive---able to let go; be spontaneous
- Insensitive---(a) need to feel OK about self in the
context of problems (e.g., behaving insensitively
not because they think it will change other’s
behavior, but because they feel they are doing the
best they can), (b) protecting oneself from hurt
- Lazy---laid back, mellow, relaxed, taking it easy
- Manipulative---good with influencing people
- Mouthy/Talks back---can stand up to those who
may be bigger, stronger, have more power, etc.
- Nagging--- (a) the relationship is important (e.g.,
because parent wants kid to be close, available,
nondestructive to the relationship; however,
parent’s way of “caring” is perceived as
harassment), (b) concerned, (c) trying to bring out
the best in someone
- Oppositional---searching for one’s own way of
doing things, having a mind of his/her own
- Oversensitive---tuned into other people; very alive
and aware
- Paranoid--- doesn’t extend un-earned trust
- Passive---ability to accept things as they are
- Passive-aggressive---wants to do things his/her
own way
- Pushy---assertive, in a hurry, action-oriented
- Rage---intense caring about an issue
- Rationalization---ability to step back from the
problem rather than being overwhelmed by it
- Resistance to change---(a) desire to
acknowledge, honor, respect the past; (b) protect
oneself by staying with the familiar; (c) an attempt
to hold onto the positive things one has had in the
past, (d) a way to prevent false hope or to avoid
unrewarded effort
- Sarcastic---(a) likes to joke around; (b) wants to fit-
in or be cool; (c) provides a sense of security; (d)
wants to avoid being in a one-down position
- Self-deprecating---admitting one’s own faults to
oneself
- Show-off---has special abilities or interests and
wants others to notice
- Stubborn---steadfast purpose
- Stuck-up---confident
- Uncaring---detached, allows room for others
- Wandering---exploring all possibilities
- Withdrawn---(a) taking care of oneself, (b) deep
thinker
- Won’t listen---pain interferes with listening and
considering others feelings/needs
| Everything has a positive intention-- Every behavior has a positive intention. How do I know that? Actually I don't. I do know, however, that no one knows his/her true motivation. The reasons we give for what we do are usually made up afterwards. They are usually uttered because they are socially acceptable. Even the worst criminal believes that what he is doing is right, or good in some way. Otherwise they wouldn't do it. For example, Baby Face Malone, as he lay dying with multiple bullet wounds after committing many crimes, muttered, “I only wanted to help people.” As a guide it helps to think that everybody thinks they are doing right. If we think others do bad things because they have evil intentions then we give up trying to influence them, and we may become afraid of them. So assume that everyone has a good intention - however bad they behave to you or to others! If you want to influence, then assume a good intention. They probably have a good intention, or at least you can persuade them they have one! We do not know why we do things, so if someone (a therapist) claims that we are doing something for some reason and this is a good reason, we are inclined to believe it. If we are angry or negative with another person, and that person responds with positive reframing, then we are likely to get confused. Here we are trying to be obnoxious, but the other person is saying lots of nice things we like to hear! The difference between how men and women behave is best illustrated by how they deal with an angry dog. A man would say, 'Good dog! Good dog!' while he looked around for a big stick. A woman on the other hand would say, 'Good dog! Good Dog!' until it actually believed it was a good dog! I don't believe that this represents a sex difference – it's just good psychology. When you, the parent, utilize positive reframing, you are telling your child what a good doggy she is until she believes it! And it works. It works because at heart, that's what we all are. No matter how foolish our behavior, our intentions are always good. |
| Note: If you and your out-of-control teen are having difficulty with a few ground rules, then it may be time to sit down together to negotiate limits and expectations. You may even want to lay these rules out on paper in the form of a contract. Many families with teenagers find it useful to sit down and draw up a contract with their teenagers. The contract should include really basic and important rules to provide for the safety of the teenager and the well being of the family and it should state clear consequences for any broken rules. Here’s a sample contract: Whenever I am angry at, or in disagreement with you, I will: ·Tell you immediately how I am feeling, even if I am angry or in disagreement. (If I am too mad to think straight, I will take a time-out first.) ·Allow you to express feelings openly as well. ·Ask you to allow for a compromise win-win solution. ·Ventilate feelings, and then jointly brainstorm solutions. ·Arrive at a solution in which we both win. ·Act on solutions in which we both win. ·Make sure my actions are consistent with the agreement. ·Make sure my behavior is consistent with my feelings and what I said in the agreement. ·Give you permission to point out when my behavior deviates from our agreement. ·Monitor my emotions and re-negotiate our solution if they are not consistent with our compromise. ·Let you know if I get upset over the compromise with no masking of my feelings. ·Confront intimidation openly and honestly. ·Ensure that our relationship is based on honesty. ·Accept your uniqueness and individuality, allowing each of us to be ourselves. ·Return to Step 1 and begin again if I find I am still angry or in disagreement with you. Both parties sign and date the contract. |
Related News Items Conflict Resolution Teaching Conflict Resolution Classes Conflict Resolution Cooperative Coaching and Scott Loring OJPCR 3.3: Conflict Resolution, Genetics, and Alchemy Amazon.ca: Schoolyard Bully: How to Cope with Conflict and Raise an Assertive Child: Books Amazon.com: Schoolyard Bully: How to Cope With Conflict and Raise an Assertive Child: Books: Kim Zarzour Tips for Resolving Conflict |
| Do you need to draft a parent-child contract? |
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