| Are you therapy drunk? Many of the parents that come to my parent-group are therapy-drunk. What I mean is their child has been in anger- management therapy for his violent outbursts, the family has had family therapy in order to develop conflict management skills, mom and dad have had couples therapy (or marital counseling) to resolve communication problems, mom has had individual psychotherapy for her depression. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You don't need any more therapy! I find that when parents have a few simple parenting-tools in dealing with the out-of-control child, they actually do a much better job of influencing him to change his behavior than a judge, probation officer, cop, counselor, psychiatrist, etc. Can I give you an idea real quick? A change agent is someone who influences another person to make some improvements in his behavior. I am going to show you how to be the change agent -- and you’ll do a much better job than others because you're the kid’s parent, and you will see him nearly every day as long as he continues to live in your house. I would only have about 4 hours of influence time if I were doing "family therapy" with you and your kid …you will have thousands of hours of influence time. Those parents who use the strategies you are about to learn are reporting incredible success and improvements at home. We are going to come up with some very effective strategies. But doing them halfway or giving up once you start will do more harm than not doing them at all. You must commit to being consistent and following through in order for this to work. You managed your child up until he/she reached puberty. Then your kid fired you as the manager and said, “I’ll take over from here.” The best you can do now is to be re-hired as a consultant. You can’t control your kid, but you can influence him or her. And if the parent fails to influence the child, the world will CONTROL the child -- and the world is not concerned about what is right or fair. Know that your child WILL resist change. For a while, it may seem as though things are getting worse. This is because your child is adjusting to the changes you make. But don’t be fooled!!! Your child will try very hard to make you believe that your parenting changes are not working and that your new discipline has no effect. When parents implement the parenting strategies in this eBook, the change cycle looks something like this: 1. Initially, things get worse (i.e., your kid does not like your new parenting strategies and begins to act-out even more) 2. After a few weeks, problems between parent and child eventually occur less frequently, but with the same intensity (e.g., instead of 5 heated arguments a week, there are only 2) 3. Problems between parent and child occur less frequently AND with less intensity (e.g., only 1 argument a week that is not very heated) Will problems go away totally -- and stay away forever? No. But problems WILL occur with less frequency and severity over time. And you will be able to cope better due to a reduction in your stress-level. You literally have the toughest job in the world, because you are helping with the development of a human being (your child). Human beings are the most complex things on earth – more complicated than computers (after all, humans created computers), more complicated than spacecraft (after all, humans created space craft). And human beings are especially complicated when they are teenagers. So this week when you begin to doubt yourself or feel discouraged or feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that this is not an easy job for any of us. Let's say, for example, that your child is 15-years-old. It took 15 years for the problems to get to this point. Thus, it is going to take at least a few weeks to get your child "back on track." Be patient with the process -- and you will out-will your strong- willed child. |
Help Is On The Way...
Instructional Video #3
Ask The Parent Coach—
Dear Mark,
In your eBook, you say that parents can expect their
children to resist the new disciplinary techniques.
How should I handle this resistance? Is there a way to
diffuse it?
Thank you,
J.H.
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Hi J.,
You “handle” resistance largely by putting on your poker
face when things go wrong. I’ll talk more about this later
in the eBook. And yes, you can “diffuse” resistance. How?
By not reacting to it.
Resistance occurs (a) in situations where the child feels
his performance will be judged and (b) in interactions
with authority figures (i.e., parents, teachers, etc.).
There are 3 types of resistance—
1. Active: Here the child (a) deliberately refuses to talk
(i.e., silent treatment), (b) debates every statement
(e.g., “You’re wrong...”), (c) refuses to see anything
wrong with his/her behavior (denial), or (d) behaves
aggressively toward others (e.g., intimidating behavior).
2. Unintentional: Here the child (a) is genuinely silent or
shy, (b) doesn’t know how to ask for or accept help, (c) is
overly self-conscious, (d) is depressed, or (e) lacks
sufficient social skills.
3. Passive: Here the child (a) has no intention of
complying -- no matter what, (b) is non-argumentative
(e.g., child simply says “Whatever…” and shows a lack of
concern), or (c) expresses no indication of compliance or
non-compliance.
Resistant kids need to learn how to:
· Ask for help
· Apologize
· Accept decisions of authorities
· Negotiate
· Make a complaint without offending adults
· Accept responsibility for their behavior
· Compromise
· Deal with boredom
· Deal with frustration
· Take appropriate risks
What can parents do?
· Develop a balance between authority and tolerance.
· Don’t ask ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions.
· Ask them to talk about their life (e.g., who they hang out
with).
· Remember: as long as they stay angry, they believe
their resistance is justified. And the more opinionated
we are as parents, the stronger their resistance.
· Explore how to “get people off their backs.”
· Admire the youth’s techniques of bravado, beating the
system, getting attention, etc.
· Talk about your own life annoyances.
· Allow a way for them to “save face” (e.g., let’s say they
get caught lying ...you might ask “what are some of the
advantages and disadvantages of the choice you made
to lie?”).
· Don’t dispute what they say – be curious about it.
· Use new cognitions (e.g., let’s say a kid is having
difficulty with his father ...you, the mother, might say “I’ll
bet you can’t think of any other explanations for why your
father might be on your case”).
· Frame the battle going on within the child, not with
someone else (e.g., let’s say a kid is having difficulty with
a particular teacher ...you might ask “what is going on in
you that triggers your anger with that teacher?”).
Here are some examples of questions and comments
parents can use in dealing with a resistant child:
More on all this later in the eBook…
Mark
Dear Mark,
In your eBook, you say that parents can expect their
children to resist the new disciplinary techniques.
How should I handle this resistance? Is there a way to
diffuse it?
Thank you,
J.H.
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Hi J.,
You “handle” resistance largely by putting on your poker
face when things go wrong. I’ll talk more about this later
in the eBook. And yes, you can “diffuse” resistance. How?
By not reacting to it.
Resistance occurs (a) in situations where the child feels
his performance will be judged and (b) in interactions
with authority figures (i.e., parents, teachers, etc.).
There are 3 types of resistance—
1. Active: Here the child (a) deliberately refuses to talk
(i.e., silent treatment), (b) debates every statement
(e.g., “You’re wrong...”), (c) refuses to see anything
wrong with his/her behavior (denial), or (d) behaves
aggressively toward others (e.g., intimidating behavior).
2. Unintentional: Here the child (a) is genuinely silent or
shy, (b) doesn’t know how to ask for or accept help, (c) is
overly self-conscious, (d) is depressed, or (e) lacks
sufficient social skills.
3. Passive: Here the child (a) has no intention of
complying -- no matter what, (b) is non-argumentative
(e.g., child simply says “Whatever…” and shows a lack of
concern), or (c) expresses no indication of compliance or
non-compliance.
Resistant kids need to learn how to:
· Ask for help
· Apologize
· Accept decisions of authorities
· Negotiate
· Make a complaint without offending adults
· Accept responsibility for their behavior
· Compromise
· Deal with boredom
· Deal with frustration
· Take appropriate risks
What can parents do?
· Develop a balance between authority and tolerance.
· Don’t ask ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions.
· Ask them to talk about their life (e.g., who they hang out
with).
· Remember: as long as they stay angry, they believe
their resistance is justified. And the more opinionated
we are as parents, the stronger their resistance.
· Explore how to “get people off their backs.”
· Admire the youth’s techniques of bravado, beating the
system, getting attention, etc.
· Talk about your own life annoyances.
· Allow a way for them to “save face” (e.g., let’s say they
get caught lying ...you might ask “what are some of the
advantages and disadvantages of the choice you made
to lie?”).
· Don’t dispute what they say – be curious about it.
· Use new cognitions (e.g., let’s say a kid is having
difficulty with his father ...you, the mother, might say “I’ll
bet you can’t think of any other explanations for why your
father might be on your case”).
· Frame the battle going on within the child, not with
someone else (e.g., let’s say a kid is having difficulty with
a particular teacher ...you might ask “what is going on in
you that triggers your anger with that teacher?”).
Here are some examples of questions and comments
parents can use in dealing with a resistant child:
- If you don’t want to talk, how can you convince me
you don’t need a consequence? - It must be hard for you to imagine your life being
any different. - It must be difficult being you.
- You look ticked-off, who has been hassling you
…how can I help? - How long will this last? (Tell them it depends on
their effort and willingness to change.) - Tell me what other things you’ve gotten away with
lately. - If you constantly get into trouble, then you have
forgotten how to say “no.” - When you control yourself, I don’t have to step in?
More on all this later in the eBook…
Mark
| An email from one of the parents implementing the strategies in My Out-Of-Control Teen eBook: I remember feeling so helpless, like I could not do anything about the chaos and drama in my home. I told myself, “If you have not got the power, there is nothing you can do about your situation.” Seeing myself as helpless insured paralysis and provided a powerful rationale for doing nothing. I said to myself things like, “It is not my parenting that is the problem – my kid is the problem …it is not my fault …I am the victim here.” As long as it was not my fault, there was nothing in my behavior as a parent I had to look at or understand. I also pretended that things were getting better on their own, but this pretending took the place of the effort required to bring about real change. That is all over now. I am taking responsibility for my part of the problem, and my daughter will have to accept here part as well. |
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