| "My daughter has a few friends who have experimented with alcohol. How can I keep her from seeing these friends, and what should I do if she comes home drunk?" You could conceivably drive yourself crazy trying to protect your daughter from all the drugs and alcohol out there. Your daughter is not going to be totally honest with you regarding which friends drink and which ones don't. Here are the stats on teenage drinking:
Short of keeping her in the house 365 days a year, do the following: Be sure to clearly state your expectations regarding your daughter’s drinking and establish consequences for breaking rules. Your values and attitudes count, even though she may not always show it. If one or more members of your immediate or extended family has suffered from alcoholism, your daughter may be more vulnerable to developing a drinking problem. She needs to know that for her, drinking may carry special risks. Should your daughter come home under the influence, make sure she is in no immediate danger due to her alcohol use, but wait until she is sober to address the problem. When she sobers up, say/do the following: Say (with your best poker face), "I noticed you came home intoxicated last night. I felt shocked and worried." Next, Listen. Give your daughter a chance to speak (although all you're going to hear is a line of bullshit). She will be angry with you for confronting her and will want you to get off her back. She will probably deny that she drank any alcohol. Even if she admits to drinking, she will most likely blame someone else for the drinking episode. Then say, "The house rule is no drinking before the age of 21. If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence, which is the police will be called and you will be charged with minor consumption." End on a positive note by saying, "To help you be successful with following this house rule, I will provide discipline, structure, added supervision, and spot checks. I know you are more than capable of following this house rule - I have faith in you - I know you can do this!" If your daughter has another drinking episode, follow through with the consequence. So here's the formula:
NOTE: Don’t hesitate to call an alcohol abuse hotline for help if you think your child is abusing alcohol. "I'm trying the strategies you talk about, and things do seem to be getting worse as you said they might. My son told me he is going to run away from home. What's my next move?" Well first of all, don't threaten him. Avoid the temptation to say things like, "If you walk out that door, I'm calling the cops" or "If you leave, you're grounded for a month" or "Fine, go ahead and run... I'll pack your shit and you can go live with your dad." Instead say, "You know that I can't control you -- and if you really want to run away from home, I can't stop you. I can't watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in your room. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established some house rules. Running away from home will not solve any problems. You and I know it will only make matters worse." If your son follows through with his threat to run away, do the following: 1. Call the police. Don't wait 24 hours -- do it right away. 2. Get the name of the officer you speak with. 3. Call back often. 4. Call everyone your son knows and enlist their help. 5. Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended. 6. Search your son's room for anything that may give you a clue as to where he went. 7. You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls he made in the last few weeks. When your teen comes home, wait until you and he are calmed down before you address the matter. Then say (with your best poker face), "When you ran away, I felt worried and afraid. But I have an obligation to protect you. Therefore, if you choose to run away again, you'll choose the consequence -- runaway charges will be filed and a juvenile probation officer will want to meet with you." If your son runs again, follow through with this consequence. "We got a call from school last week. Our son got busted with a bag of pot in his locker and has been suspended from school for the rest of the year. My wife and I are shocked and angry as hell. I'm not sure what question to ask at this point other than what should we do now?" O.K. -- First, educate yourselves completely about drugs and drug abuse. If your son's drug use has been purely recreational, you may only need to clearly state your position regarding abstinence and then closely monitor his behavior. If your son is more deeply into substance abuse, seek the advice of a behavioral health or substance abuse professional. Don't show any emotions of anger or fear, and don't lose your good poker face -- but do send a strong message that drug and alcohol use is not acceptable. Don't lecture, be clear, and keep your message short and to the point. Develop a list of names, addresses, and phone numbers of your son's friends. Get to know those kids if possible. Form a network with the parents of your son's peers. Keep in touch with one another. Don't be surprised if other parents don't share your concern about substance abuse. Check your son's whereabouts regularly. Don't be shocked if you find that another parent is using drugs with him, allows substance-abusing parties at their home, or is supplying the kids with drugs and alcohol. If you learn that one of your son's friends is involved in drugs, don't keep it a secret from his/her parents. Restrict or eliminate use of the car, take away cell phones, and limit unsupervised free time until your son is committed to being "clean and sober." An out-of-control kid wants his freedom more than anything -- let him know that freedom is earned. If your son wants to spend the night at a friend’s house, check with the other parent to make sure he has permission. Also make sure the other parent will be home, and determine if the other parent has the same curfew and expectations you do. Kids often select homes of absent parents for sleep-overs and all-night drug/alcohol parties. Make sure your son is not sneaking out after you go to bed. Nothing good happens after midnight. Get Caller ID and Anonymous Call Rejection on the phone line that your son uses so that you know who is calling him. Require that he call home from a "land line" phone so that the location he is calling from appears on your Caller ID. Find out where your son is getting the money to purchase drugs (e.g., your ATM card, wallet, money you give for an allowance, lunches, gas, etc.). Don't be surprised if you find he is stealing from you or others to finance his drug use. Purchase urine-screen kits to use at home and test your son randomly. Tell him the following: "If you choose to use drugs, you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and juvenile probation will be notified." If your son continues to use drugs, follow through with this consequence. If your son is more deeply into substance abuse, seek the advice of a behavioral health or substance abuse professional. "My son shoplifted from the mall a few days ago. He took an expensive jacket. The store is pressing charges. I guess he'll have to go to court now. I don't want my son to grow up to be a thief. What can I do?" Most teens shoplift because they:
In any event, take your son back to the store and find the manager. Then have your son confess, apologize, make restitution (i.e., pay for the item he took), and accept the legal consequences. Know that once children steal, it is easier for them to steal again. If police arrest teens for stealing, especially shoplifting, it is rarely their first time. "I'm pretty sure my daughter is smoking cigarettes. I hate the thought that she is doing this to herself, especially at such a young age. Any ideas?" Sorry mom. You're not going to like my advice, but here goes: You will not be able to stop her from smoking. Pick your battles carefully - and this is not a battle you should fight. In fact, the more you worry about it or lecture her, the more she will smoke! But you can stop her from smoking on YOUR property. Here's what you can say to your daughter: "I can't keep you from damaging your health by smoking. But it's your health - not mine! However, I don't want you smoking in my house or anywhere on my property. If you choose to smoke on my property, you'll choose the consequence, which is grounding for 3 days without privileges (e.g., use of phone, T.V., computer, etc.)." If your daughter smokes on the property, follow through with the consequence. If YOU smoke, keep your cigarettes with you at all times. "My 16-year-old son brought home straight F's on his last report card. I grounded him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know he is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" Unfortunately, you can't motivate him! Do yourself a big favor and get out of the business of playing principle, vice-principle, dean, school counselor, teacher, etc. It's not your job - school is your son's job. If he were working at McDonald's, for example, you wouldn't show-up there to see whether or not he was putting the pickle between the top bun and the beef patty, that he was frying the fries at the right temperature, that he was putting the right amount of ice in the cups, etc. You would know that your son's performance - or lack thereof - is between he and his boss. And if he gets fired - it's all on him. The same is true for school. What goes on there is between your son and his boss - the teacher. If the problem is behavioral, that falls in your court. If the problem is poor academic performance however, that should be the teacher's concern alone. I know teachers will want to recruit you to help them with their job (e.g., check that homework, sign this slip, etc.). (Your garbage man would appreciate it if you got out of bed at 5:00 in the morning, put on your robe, and went out to the curb to help him load your trash in his truck, too.) Simply say to the teacher, "Poor academic performance is a constant source of tension in my home ...I'm not going to monitor it anymore. If he's misbehaving - call me. Otherwise, his poor performance is his problem." The more you take responsibility for your son's academics, the less responsibility he will take. The problem is an ownership problem. Let go of ownership of your son’s education. No more nagging about homework. No more asking about assignments. This problem belongs to your son. When you give up ownership, your son will have to make a choice - he'll have to decide if he will or will not accept ownership of his schoolwork. And he'll lose the power of pushing your education buttons, to frustrate and worry you. Out-of-control kids intentionally get low grades to push their parents’ buttons. Often parents are in a never-ending cycle of their kid’s sabotage. Since parents are continuously telling their kids how important grades are, their kids use this information to anger them. The more parents try, the less out-of-control kids work. Many people who are successful in life performed poorly in school. Remember your high school reunion, and remember the people you never expected to do well -- but did. Your son is not going to end up sitting on the street corner with a tin can waiting for coins to be handed him from sympathetic passersby. Get rid of the fear that poor school performance will damage his future. When he decides it's time to succeed, he will. I've never meet a kid yet that didn't realize - at some point - that he at least needed to get a GED. |
| More Q & A can be viewed here. |
| NOTE: If your teen has a history of poor academic performance, and if poor academic performance is an ongoing source of parent-child conflict, then follow the recommendation above. If not, follow the recommendation here ==> CLICK HERE |
Important Q & A Do not skip this section: ~~~ |
| "I understand that I need to let go of micro- managing my son's academic progress (which is, predictably, poor). How do I reconcile this with allowing my son to do what he enjoys (e.g., playing XBox) when it's clear he's shirking his schoolwork responsibilities? If I'm not to be on top of his homework and grades, do I then allow him to enjoy what he wants, in spite of poor academic performance?" First, what does your son do to earn Xbox privileges? Remember, ALL privileges must be earned. In this way, you are not “allowing” (i.e., a free handout of privilege) him to do anything – he is earning the privilege for himself. Next, we don’t want to “micro-manage” schoolwork – but we don’t want to reward lack of effort either. Thus, set aside a one-hour chunk of time (e.g., 4:00 – 5:00 PM) that is either “homework time” or “chore time.” Then let your son decide what he wants to do with that hour. He can do chores or schoolwork, or some combination thereof. In the event he refuses to do either, then revert to the 3-day-discipline outlined in the eBook. The above recommendation is based on the assumption that (a) your son has a history (i.e., at least 6 months) of “poor academic performance” and (b) “poor academic performance” is a major source of parent-child conflict. One of the many mothers who attended the Parent Support Group in person was greatly relieved when she heard about this recommendation to "give up ownership" of her son's academic performance. She looked as though the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders. She finally had permission to have a more relaxed attitude regarding her son's education. Now here's the really good news: Over the course of a few months, she was pleasantly surprised to discovered that her child's academic performance actually improved. He was making mostly F's ...now he is making mostly B's and C's (with an occasional D). He's not making straight A's - this is true, but he has come a long way compared to last grading period. You should expect to have the same result. |
