| How do I know if I need to make some serious changes in the way I parent? Please review the following statements. Are they true for you rarely, sometimes or frequently? Scoring— Rarely: 1 Sometimes: 2 Frequently: 3 Total your score below. 1. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have a hard time saying “no” to my child. 2. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently When I say “no” to my child, no eventually becomes a maybe, which eventually becomes a yes. 3. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently My child refuses to do chores, and he will not pick up after himself. 4. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have shielded my child from negative consequences or painful emotions. 5. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have given my child toys or games other than on birthdays and holidays. 6. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I tend to nag rather than enforce discipline with my child. 7. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have disciplined my child and later reduced or negated the discipline. 8. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently Sometimes I worry that disciplining my child could damage my relationship with him/her. 9. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have tried to make my child feel better by giving him/her things (e.g., food, gifts, fun activities). 10. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have tried to make my child feel better by giving him/her more freedom (e.g., permission to run with friends or stay out late). 11. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently Is it important to me to be able to give my child the luxuries or privileges I never had as a child. 12. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have blamed myself for my child’s misbehavior. 13. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have blamed others for my child’s misbehavior. 14. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have gone in debt to by holiday presents for my child. 15. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently My child is disrespectful toward adults (e.g., teachers, authority figures). 16. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I believe my child is my highest priority. 17. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently When I think about my child, I feel guilty (e.g., “I haven’t done enough” or “I haven’t done a very good job”). 18. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently My child has a television or computer in his/her bedroom and spends a lot of time in there. 19. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have tried to correct my parent’s mistakes by trying to be a better parent or by parenting the opposite way they did. 20. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently My child is dependent on me (i.e., always asking me for something). 21. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have difficulty differentiating between my child’s wants and his/her needs. 22. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I often feel detached from my child. 23. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I feel that my child has no appreciation for all I’ve done for him/her. 24. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have difficulty knowing when to be my child’s buddy, and when to be his/her parent. 25. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have been accused of favoring one child over another. 26. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I feel sorry for my child. 27. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have raged at my child and then feel guilty afterwards. 28. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I was the scapegoat in my family while growing up. 29. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I feel it is important for my child to be as happy as possible in order for him/her to have high self-esteem. 30. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently When I get into arguments with my child, he/she usually gets his/her way in the end. 31. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I am susceptible to my child’s guilt-trips. 32. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently My child will quickly argue and complain when she doesn’t get her way. 33. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I have difficulty trying new things or taking risks. 34. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently We avoid discussing certain topics in our family. 35. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently My child’s other parent and I are divided on many parenting issues (e.g., we have different views on how to discipline). 36. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently Our family members give each other the “silent treatment” or “cold shoulder.” 37. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I am very busy throughout the week. 38. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I wish our family members had more time to spend together. 39. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently My spouse is also very busy throughout the week. 40. 1 Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Frequently I try to parent my children equally (e.g., I try to keep things fair for everybody). My total score is: _____ Results— 40 – 60: Mildly Over-Indulgent 61 – 80: Moderately Over-Indulgent 81 – 100: Severely Over-Indulgent Note: Your goal is to eventually get your total score below 60. You will be instructed to re-take this quiz at the end of your four-week program. Do these phrases describe your kid's behavior fairly accurately? 1. Often loses temper 2. Often argues with adults 3. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules 4. Often deliberately annoys people 5. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior 6. Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others 7. Is often angry and resentful 8. Is often spiteful and vindictive 9. Often bullies, threatens, or intimidates others 10. Often initiates verbal and/or physical fights 11. Has used a weapon that can cause serious physical harm to others (e.g., a toy, bat, brick, broken bottle, knife) 12. Has stolen other's property 13. Often lies to obtain goods or favors or to avoid work 14. Often stays out later than he's suppose to 15. Has run away from home 16. Has skipped school 17. Has frequent behavior problems at school Now you know whether or not the information in this eBook will apply to your situation -- regardless of your child's age. |
How Over-Indulgent Are You?
Instructional Video #2
| CLICK HERE to download a hard copy of the quiz below. |
Ask The Parent Coach—
Mr. Hutten,
You talk about over-indulgence in your book. What are
some of the cognitive-behavioral issues associated with
over-indulged children?
Dr. Whitfield
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Hi Dr. Whitfield,
I've provided a summary of traits of over-indulged
children below:
Children who have been over-indulged directly and
indirectly refuse to go along with the demands or
expectations of parents and teachers. They may do this
through stubbornness, purposeful forgetfulness,
inefficiency, procrastination, sabotage, tardiness,
“accidental” errors, and other covert means. Rather than
refusing outright to perform a task, over-indulged kids will
complain about having to do it, they’ll say that they forgot
to do it, they’ll do it badly, or they’ll procrastinate until the
deadline for its completion has passed.
Common Traits of Over-Indulged Kids—
Affect—
Motivation—
Irrational Thinking—
Underlying Thought—
“I will fail in order to preserve my autonomy.”
Statements to Parent & Teachers—
In summary, we find that children who have been over-
indulged are emotionally under-developed (e.g., you have
a child who is 16-years-old chronologically, but is about
9-years-old emotionally). These children tend to act
much younger than they are. The resultant immaturity
manifests itself in the behaviors and attitudes outlined
above.
Mark
Mr. Hutten,
You talk about over-indulgence in your book. What are
some of the cognitive-behavioral issues associated with
over-indulged children?
Dr. Whitfield
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Hi Dr. Whitfield,
I've provided a summary of traits of over-indulged
children below:
Children who have been over-indulged directly and
indirectly refuse to go along with the demands or
expectations of parents and teachers. They may do this
through stubbornness, purposeful forgetfulness,
inefficiency, procrastination, sabotage, tardiness,
“accidental” errors, and other covert means. Rather than
refusing outright to perform a task, over-indulged kids will
complain about having to do it, they’ll say that they forgot
to do it, they’ll do it badly, or they’ll procrastinate until the
deadline for its completion has passed.
Common Traits of Over-Indulged Kids—
- Impulsive (act without thinking; unable to delay
gratification) - Cynical (an attitude of mistrust)
- Uncomfortable with emotional expression
- Peer relationships are based on shared rebellion
- Self-protective (fearful of being vulnerable)
- Poor self-image
- Make use of bravado to hide a poor self-image
(boastful, arrogant, cocky) - Don’t believe they control their own destiny
(external locus of control) - Easily ignited
- Susceptible to boredom
- Believe their immune to consequences; fail to
see the link between poor choices and negative
outcomes - Minimize difficulties, resist intervention, distort
information - Decreased capacity to feel or express guilt
- Strong sense of entitlement
- Often feel pressure to perform, and have
expectation/fear of failure - Critical of others
- Gossip maliciously (use false rumor)
- Tend to see themselves as victims, feeling that
they have been singled out for bad luck or the ill
treatment by others - Unable to find a healthy balance between
dependence and assertiveness - Passive listening: hearing only what they want to
hear - Slow-motion: move very slowly when asked to go
somewhere or complete a task - Frequent behavior which is either inappropriate or
exhibited at the wrong time - Fear intimacy: reluctant to show their emotional
fragility; often out of touch with feelings; deny
feelings they think may "trap" or reveal them; pick
fights to create distance - Sarcastic: putdowns disguised as humor
- Fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises
- Obstruct the efforts of others by failing to do their
share of the work - Sulk, pout, withdraw
- Ambiguous: master of mixed messages and
sitting on fences (e.g., when they tell you
something, you may still walk away wondering if
they actually said yes or no) - Withhold valuable information (lying by omission)
- Lack assertiveness (not direct about their own
needs and wishes) - Expect others to take responsibility for them
- Lack self-confidence
- Pessimistic about the future
- Blame their failures on the behaviors of others
(external locus of control) - Superficially submissive (give you the impression
they are cooperating)
Affect—
- Generally moody, discontented, resentful
(resentment = hardened anger) - Denial of most emotions (especially anger)
Motivation—
- Preserve autonomy
- Get attention
- Express anger indirectly
- To get others to take responsibility
Irrational Thinking—
- I can’t do it.
- It doesn't pay to be good.
- Good things don't last.
- No one wants to know how I feel.
- No one will understand how I feel.
- I am a loser and a failure.
- I will never "win'' in this situation; why try?
- I enjoy seeing people being impressed when I
agree with them and then doing the opposite of
what I agreed to do. - It's not what I do or how I act that is important to
people, it is what I say that influences them. - I only belong when you're doing things for me or
when you're paying attention to me. - I only belong when either I'm the boss or I'm not
allowing you to boss me. - It's impossible to belong, but I can hurt others like
others hurt me. I can get even. - It's impossible to belong because I am
inadequate so I'll just give up and not try at all.
Underlying Thought—
“I will fail in order to preserve my autonomy.”
Statements to Parent & Teachers—
- Can’t you take a joke?
- Why are you making such a big deal about it?
- It’s not my fault!
- I can’t do it. (Translation: I won’t do it, or I’m not
willing to try.) - I forgot.
- I tried my best.
- I’ll do it later.
- I had other things to do.
- What did I do? …I didn’t do anything!
- I didn’t understand you.
- I didn’t hear you.
- I didn’t know how to do it.
In summary, we find that children who have been over-
indulged are emotionally under-developed (e.g., you have
a child who is 16-years-old chronologically, but is about
9-years-old emotionally). These children tend to act
much younger than they are. The resultant immaturity
manifests itself in the behaviors and attitudes outlined
above.
Mark
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