| So far we have looked at two potential areas for parent-conflict: 1. When your child wants something from you. 2. When you want something from your child. There is one additional potential area for parent-child conflict that we need to look at: ==> When something unexpected pops-up. For example, when your child...
During these times, we as parents have to be very careful not to turn a minor inconvenience into a major catastrophe. Wearing a poker face and staying calm has never been more important. When we have to deal with any of these "shocking" behavior problems, we want to go about the business of problem-solving rather than over-reacting. Here's how: Outline the conversation with your child as follows: 1. I noticed... (describe the specific unwanted behavior) 2. I felt... (tell your child exactly how you feel about the behavior) 3. --Listen-- (now simply listen to your child’s response) 4. The house rule is... (state the house rule regarding the behavior) 5. If you choose to ignore this rule, then you'll choose the consequence, which is... (issue a warning about a repeat offense) 6. --End on a positive note-- (tell your child what you will do to support her success, and tell her you have faith in her) WHAT TO EXPECT:
DON’T:
EXAMPLE: Your 15-year old son has been caught stealing your car. He borrowed your keys, slipped out of the house at 3:00 AM, and took a 20 minute "joy ride" with his friend who was spending the night. Step #1- "I noticed you took the car for a 'joy ride' early this morning." Step #2 - "I felt shocked and worried." Step #3 - Listen. Give your son a chance to speak (although all you're going to hear is a line of bullshit; he will be angry with you for confronting him and will want you to get off his back; he will probably deny that he "borrowed" the car; even if he admits to it, he will most likely blame his friend for the incident). Step #4 - "The house rule is no driving before you get a learner's permit." Step #5 - "If you choose to ignore this rule, then you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and you will be charged with theft." Step #6 - End on a positive note. "To help you be successful with following this house rule, I will provide discipline, structure, added supervision, and spot checks. I know you are more than capable of following this house rule - I have faith in you - I know you can do this!" If your son steals your car again, follow through with the consequence. |
The Six-Step Approach--
| Session #4 Week Four |
Instructional Video #23
When Your Teen Is In
Trouble With The Law--
Despite a parent's best efforts, some young people find
themselves in trouble with the law. Peer pressure, the
need to assert independence, or misjudgments can
place your adolescent at risk of involvement in activities
that result in arrest and processing through the local
juvenile justice system.
Juvenile justice systems vary widely between
communities. If your child becomes involved in the
juvenile justice system, your first step is to learn how the
system in your area works. This knowledge will allow you
to advocate for an outcome that teaches your child about
the results of inappropriate behavior without hurting his
or her prospects for the future.
There are three kinds of juvenile cases:
1. Abuse/neglect cases, in which the child has been
mistreated by the parents, and it is necessary for the
court to take over temporary legal custody for the
protection of the child. Depending on the circumstances,
it may also be necessary for the court to take physical
custody, removing the child from the parents' home and
placing the child with relatives or in foster care.
2. Status offense cases, in which a child runs away from
home, or is frequently truant from school, or is otherwise
beyond parental control.
3. Delinquencies (law violations), in which the child has
committed an offense which would be charged as a
crime if the child were an adult.
Begin by asking the processing officer at the police
station (usually an officer in the juvenile division) to
explain the process to you:
In many cases, particularly for minor offenses or a first-
time arrest, youth will be released into their parent's
custody. They also may be diverted into a community
service program where they will be expected to perform
volunteer service. In exchange, the charges against
them will be dropped.
If your child is referred to juvenile court, however, what
happens next will depend on the structure of the local
system, the actions of the prosecutor's office, and the
availability of diversion or treatment programs. The
prosecutor and juvenile court staff can tell you what to
expect from the process.
Juvenile court staff include intake or probation
department staff who often conduct preliminary
investigations. These investigations provide juvenile
court judges with background information they use to
decide on dispositions.
You are well advised to seek legal counsel if your child
is referred to the court system. Youth of families without
financial resources can request counsel from the local
public defender's office.
Even if you obtain a lawyer to represent your child, you
should accompany your teen through all juvenile justice
system processing: intake, meetings with juvenile court
staff and diversionary or treatment program staff, and any
court hearings.
Keep in mind that the main intent of most juvenile justice
systems is to help young people redirect their lives, not
simply to punish them. Still, your role in advocating for
your child is crucial. There are several alternatives to a
court hearing, court decision, or detention. Your child
be diverted, for example, into a treatment program.
Further, when a court hearing and decision are required,
courts usually view a parent's involvement in the case
positively when making a decision.
It is often in times of crisis that bonds between parents
and adolescents are reaffirmed. At those times, youth
again turn to their parents for support and protection.
Trouble With The Law--
Despite a parent's best efforts, some young people find
themselves in trouble with the law. Peer pressure, the
need to assert independence, or misjudgments can
place your adolescent at risk of involvement in activities
that result in arrest and processing through the local
juvenile justice system.
Juvenile justice systems vary widely between
communities. If your child becomes involved in the
juvenile justice system, your first step is to learn how the
system in your area works. This knowledge will allow you
to advocate for an outcome that teaches your child about
the results of inappropriate behavior without hurting his
or her prospects for the future.
There are three kinds of juvenile cases:
1. Abuse/neglect cases, in which the child has been
mistreated by the parents, and it is necessary for the
court to take over temporary legal custody for the
protection of the child. Depending on the circumstances,
it may also be necessary for the court to take physical
custody, removing the child from the parents' home and
placing the child with relatives or in foster care.
2. Status offense cases, in which a child runs away from
home, or is frequently truant from school, or is otherwise
beyond parental control.
3. Delinquencies (law violations), in which the child has
committed an offense which would be charged as a
crime if the child were an adult.
Begin by asking the processing officer at the police
station (usually an officer in the juvenile division) to
explain the process to you:
- Why was my child arrested?
- Will you have to detain my child or can he or she
be released in my custody? - Will we need to post bond?
- Will my child have a record simply as a result of
the arrest? - What happens next?
- Whom should I speak with to get assistance if my
child is referred to juvenile court?
In many cases, particularly for minor offenses or a first-
time arrest, youth will be released into their parent's
custody. They also may be diverted into a community
service program where they will be expected to perform
volunteer service. In exchange, the charges against
them will be dropped.
If your child is referred to juvenile court, however, what
happens next will depend on the structure of the local
system, the actions of the prosecutor's office, and the
availability of diversion or treatment programs. The
prosecutor and juvenile court staff can tell you what to
expect from the process.
Juvenile court staff include intake or probation
department staff who often conduct preliminary
investigations. These investigations provide juvenile
court judges with background information they use to
decide on dispositions.
You are well advised to seek legal counsel if your child
is referred to the court system. Youth of families without
financial resources can request counsel from the local
public defender's office.
Even if you obtain a lawyer to represent your child, you
should accompany your teen through all juvenile justice
system processing: intake, meetings with juvenile court
staff and diversionary or treatment program staff, and any
court hearings.
Keep in mind that the main intent of most juvenile justice
systems is to help young people redirect their lives, not
simply to punish them. Still, your role in advocating for
your child is crucial. There are several alternatives to a
court hearing, court decision, or detention. Your child
be diverted, for example, into a treatment program.
Further, when a court hearing and decision are required,
courts usually view a parent's involvement in the case
positively when making a decision.
It is often in times of crisis that bonds between parents
and adolescents are reaffirmed. At those times, youth
again turn to their parents for support and protection.
Troubling circumstances
may present parents of
adolescents with
opportunities to show their
love and support, to help
their child obtain services
to deal with specific
problems, and to
strengthen interpersonal
connections that will
benefit the family for years
to come.
may present parents of
adolescents with
opportunities to show their
love and support, to help
their child obtain services
to deal with specific
problems, and to
strengthen interpersonal
connections that will
benefit the family for years
to come.
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