| The Art of Saying “No” When your child wants something from you, and your answer is "no," do the following: 1st - Say “no” one time -- and only one time! 2nd - Your child will say “why not” and will want to argue. She will try very hard to whittle your "no" into a "maybe" and then into a "yes." 3rd - State your reason for saying “no” one time -- and only one time. 4th - Let her know what she can do to (a) get a "yes" out of you and (b) earn what she is asking for (if the answer would ever be "yes"). For example: “I’m saying ‘no’ for now because ___________. But if you will _______, then you will be allowed to _______.” 5th - Your child will continue to argue and push in hopes of breaking you (i.e., to get you to give in and say "yes"). 6th – As she continues to push, just keep repeating, “I'm not going to argue” (put on your best poker face here -- this is no time to show any sign that you are angry). 7th - If your child threatens to ignore the fact that you have said “no” and tells you that she is going to do whatever she wants without your permission, then a clear warning should be given immediately: “If you choose to _________ without my permission, then you will choose the consequence, which is ________" (pick the least restrictive consequence first). 8th - If the warning is ignored, then allow her to make a mistake -- do not attempt to save her from making a poor choice (unless it's dangerous, of course), and then follow through with the consequence: "Because you chose to _______ without my permission, you chose the consequence, which is ________.” 9th - If your child refuses to accept the least restrictive consequence, then take everything away (or at least her favorite stuff and/or activities) and ground her for 3 days. If she has a rage-attack when she finds out that she is grounded for 3 days, the clock does not start until she calms down (she is still grounded with no privileges in the meantime). If she violates the 3-day-discipline at any point by repeating the original offence, merely re-start the 3 days. 10th - Tell her exactly what she must do (or avoid doing) to get off discipline, but stick to the designated time limit (i.e., 3 days). Be very specific here: “If you will __________, you will be off discipline in 3 days.” ...or "If you will avoid __________, you will be off discipline in 3 days." Here's an example of how The Art of Saying "No" plays out: Child: Mom, I’m going to Kara’s house. Parent: No, not tonight. (parent says "no" only once) Child: Why not? (child begins to whittle) Parent: Because it’s 9:30 PM and your curfew is 10:00 PM. The last time I let you go to Kara’s this late you didn’t get home until 11:00 PM. You can go to Kara’s tomorrow if you have your chores done and you go earlier in the evening. (parent states her reason for saying “no” only once, and tells her child what she can do to earn the privilege) Child: I did NOT get home at 11:00 PM. I got home just a few minutes after 10:00 PM. (child distorts the facts) Parent: I’m not going to argue. (parent puts on her poker face) Child: Oh mom, please! I’m just gonna run over there and pick up my algebra book. I’ll be right back! (child sweetens the deal) Parent: I’m not going to argue. (parent simply repeats "I'm not going to argue") Child: Well, you let Sara go to her friend’s house after 9:30 PM the other night. (child applies a guilt trip by accusing parent of having a double standard) Parent: I’m not going to argue. Child: (mocking the parent) I’m not going to argue …I’m not going to argue …is that all you can say? I hate you! (child applies an insult in hopes that parent will loose her 'cool') Parent: I’m not going to argue. (parent shows no emotion; parent provides no intensity now that things are going wrong) Child: This is bullshit. You can’t tell me what to do! I’m going! (child threatens to ignore parent's request) Parent: If you choose to go to Kara’s, then you will choose the consequence, which will be grounding for one day with no phone privileges. (parent provides a warning regarding a least restrictive consequence) Child: I don't care!!! (child leaves and does not return until 11:15 PM; parent allows child to make the choice to disobey) Parent: (when the child returns) Because you chose to ignore my request, you also chose the consequence, which is grounding for 1 day and no phone. (parent enforces discipline) Parent: You will be ungrounded 24 hours from now, and you will get the phone back if you (a) come straight home from school tomorrow afternoon, (b) stay IN the house, and (c) stay OFF the phone. (parent tells child exactly what she must do to get off discipline) Parent: If you choose to ignore this 1-day discipline, you will choose the 3-day-discipline, which is grounding for 3 days with all privileges revoked. (parent gives the child a heads-up that refusal to accept the least restrictive consequence will result in a more severe consequence) Parent: Also, the next time you choose to violate your curfew, you will choose to have the police called and a runaway complaint filed. (parent gives the child another heads-up that violating curfew again will result in additional legal consequences) Points to keep in mind: Make your time-line anywhere from 1 evening to 7 days (3 days works best). When disciplining strong-willed children, grounding and taking away all privileges (e.g., TV, phone, video games) works best. However, consequences should be short-term (usually no more than 3 days). Remember, we are taking everything away! Therefore the consequences must be short-term to keep children from feeling as if they are on Death Row and from subsequently rebelling because they think they have nothing else to lose. Short-term consequences work because they fit the way children think, not the way parents think (3 days is an eternity to a kid). If your child is grounded and breaks the same house rule that got him into trouble to begin with, parents should never lengthen the time of the restriction (e.g., "O.k. Now you're grounded for 2 weeks!!!"). Simply restart the time of the original time-line. For example: A child completed 1 day of a 3-day discipline for truancy. On the second day, the child sneaks out of the house to be with friends. The parent should just start the same 3-day discipline over again. Using this technique, parents keep restrictions from piling up on their children. Children are more likely to hang-in when they can see light at the end of the tunnel. Also, Let your children know exactly what they must do to earn their way off the discipline – be very specific! Unclear examples:
Clear examples:
You can't control your out-of-control kid, but you can control the things she enjoys (e.g., television, video games, freedom for activities, junk food, toiletries, favorite cloths, bedroom doors, cell phones, etc.). While the out-of-control kid may not be willing to work for the things you want, she will usually work for the things she wants. By controlling the things she wants, you can influence her to change unwanted behaviors. |
When Your Child Wants
Something From You &
Your Answer Is "No"
Something From You &
Your Answer Is "No"
Instructional Video #16
Q & A - On Discipline
Where do I put the stuff that I take away from my kid?
Some parents designate a closet with a pad lock to store
confiscated stuff. Some parents put the kid's things in the
trunk of their car or at a neighbor's house. Others have
been known to throw the less expenses items in the
trash (toiletries, some cloths, junk food, etc.).
How am I supposed to get the kid's computer in the
trunk of my car?
Be creative. There is always a simple way to confiscate.
Just take the computer keyboard rather than the whole
computer. Just take the cable cord to the television. Play
Station controllers, DVDs, CDs, and cell phones are easy
to hide. If the item is too big to carry out of the kid's room,
just disable it (e.g., take possession of a vital cord that
connects the CD player to the speakers in the kid's
entertainment center).
What if some of my stuff comes up missing?
If your child returns the favor by taking or hiding some of
your things, sit down and calmly tell him that the clock for
the 3-day discipline (even though he is still grounded
with no privileges) will begin as soon as your things are
returned (use the statement “take as much time as you
need”). If the child continues to keep your things, you
may need to call the police and be willing to press
charges in order to convince him that taking mom or
dad's things is actually theft and has additional “legal”
consequences.
What do I do when I've issued the 3-day-discipline
(e.g., for violating curfew), but then my son creates a
new problem before completing the discipline (e.g.,
calls me a "bitch", then breaks a plate by throwing it
in the sink too hard)? Do I start the 3 days over even
though the "broken plate episode" is unrelated to the
curfew violation, or does this new problem get a
different consequence?
You only restart the 3-day-discipline if the original crime
is re-committed (in this case, if your son violates curfew
again).
When parents issue a 3-day-discipline, it is very common
for kids to introduce additional behavioral problems
(temper tantrums, threats, etc.) as a way to (a) get the
parent side-tracked from the original consequence and
(b) get the focus off of them and onto the parent's anger.
If the parent falls for this, she ends up issuing additional
consequences on top of existing consequences,
restrictions against the kid begin to pile up, and before
long, the kid is grounded for 3 months with no privileges
-- and both the parent and the kid have forgotten what the
original problem was.
Don't let this happen to you. Do not let your son get you
distracted from the original problem and the associated
consequence for that problem. Here's how you do this:
If your son commits another "crime" (figuratively
speaking) during a 3-day-discipline, put this new crime
in the "Deal-With-It-Later" file. You literally write the
problem down on a piece of paper (e.g., 'son called me
a bitch and broke a plate') and put this note-to-yourself
somewhere where you can find it after the original 3-day-
discipline is completed.
After the original 3-day-discipline is completed, you then
confront your son regarding the second problem he
introduced by saying, "Just for your information, in the
future, if you choose to __________ (in this case, "call
me a bitch and break my dishes"), then you'll choose the
consequence which is __________ (here you just follow
the strategy "When You Want Something From Your Kid"
in the Anger Management Chapter).
So, does your son get "off the hook" for calling you a
name and breaking a plate? In a way, yes -- but only for
the time being. He will have to answer to you if the name-
calling and plate-breaking occur again in the future.
Pick your battles carefully -- but perhaps most
importantly, pick them one-at-a-time. Do not try to fight
14 battles at once. You'll just blow a blood vessel in your
brain, and your kid will be successful at getting you to
chase your tail.
Use your "Deal-With-It-Later" file frequently. You'll save
yourself a lot of time and energy that would otherwise be
spent in chronic power struggles. (How do you eat an
elephant? One bite at a time!)
When you say take everything away (during the 3-day-
discipline) do you really mean EVERYTHING? Is this
always necessary?
It's not necessary to take everything away in most cases.
Usually the kid only has a few things that she/he enjoys
(e.g., phone privileges, iPod, computer). Thus, in most
cases the parent can just confiscate the really important
stuff.
However, there have been times when parents have
literally taken away everything. Most recently I had a
mother who took it all away (but only for 3 days, as
directed). Her son only had the clothes on his back and
a mattress on his floor (she even took his bedroom door
off the hinges and removed all the 'junk food' from the
house).
Now this may sound drastic, and it does take some
work -- but when parents follow the program (and this
particular mother is), they achieve outstanding results.
When taking everything away, you can put stuff in a
locked closet, the truck of your car, a neighbor's house,
etc. But again, it's not usually necessary to go this far.
Mark
Instructional Video #17
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Can't see the video? CLICK HERE
| PowerPoint Presentation on The Art of Saying "No" |