| The Dependency Cycle-- Here is the dependency cycle that we, as well-intentioned, loving caring parents, accidentally set-up ...it goes like this: 1. We want to bond with our children, and we want them to be happy because we love them. We want them to have it better - or at least as good - as we had it. 2. As a result, we give our children too much stuff (e.g., toys, games, junk food/snacks, televisions, designer clothes, computers, CDs, DVDs, money, cell phones, iPods, bicycles, mopeds, cars, etc.)... ...and/or too much freedom (e.g., freedom for activities, freedom from rules, freedom from chores, freedom from discipline, freedom from meeting a few reasonable parental expectations, etc.). In other words, we over-indulge. 3. Over time, our children become dependent on us for free hand-outs of stuff and freedom, because we are not teaching them to EARN these things for themselves. 4. Because they are not “learning to earn,” our children are emotionally under-developed (e.g., we have a child who is 16-years-old chronologically, but more like 9-years-old emotionally). Also, they become resentful because of their dependence on us for stuff and freedom. But at the same time, they come to expect a lot of stuff and freedom ...they take it for granted ... they feel entitled to it ...and they want more, more, and more of it. 5. Consequently, we as parents end up feeling detached from our children -- not bonded. And our children seem so damn unhappy! And they are experiencing problems in other areas as well (e.g., school). Click below for a Power Point Presentation (turn your speaks up) ==> The Progression Towards Dependency |
The Dependency Cycle--
Ask The Parent Coach—
Mark,
You talk about over indulgence in your ebook. You
basically described exactly how my husband and I have
been trying to parent our out-of-control, 17-year-old son.
My question is, now that he is almost an adult and has
been spoiled for 17 years, what will be the impact of this
on him as an adult? Is it too late to help him?
Thanks,
J.
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Hi J.,
First of all, if you implement the strategies outlined in the
eBook, you will no longer be over-indulging your son. But
for the sake of discussion, let’s look at what happens
when parents do NOT adopt a more assertive parenting
style:
Indulgent parents behave in an accepting, benign, and
somewhat more passive way in matters of discipline.
They place relatively few demands on the child's
behavior, giving the child a high degree of freedom to
act as he or she wishes.
Indulgent parents are more likely to believe that control is
an infringement on the child's freedom that may interfere
with the child's healthy development. Instead of actively
shaping their child's behavior, indulgent parents are
more likely to view themselves as resources that the
child may or may not use.
As a result, the child grows up to be self-indulgent. He
also tends to be bored, apathetic, and restless with little
or no initiative.
The spoiled adult passively expects others to take
responsibility for him (e.g., “I should not have to work for
anything – you owe me!”).
He expects others to anticipate his wishes (e.g., “I should
not have to tell you what I want, you’re supposed to
know!”).
He hates to work (assuming he can even hold a job).
He usually has no career decisions, no preparation, or
persistence.
And he often attaches to a partner who will over-indulge
him, either by using attractiveness or pretending
weakness.
(Do you know any wives who have husbands who don’t
have a job and seem unwilling to find one? I know a few.
The over-indulgent wife pays all the bills and takes
responsibility for everything – including parenting the
kids.)
But again, it’s not too late for your son. You’ve probably
got at least another year to influence him. You’re on the
right track now. Keep up the tough love.
Mark
Mark,
You talk about over indulgence in your ebook. You
basically described exactly how my husband and I have
been trying to parent our out-of-control, 17-year-old son.
My question is, now that he is almost an adult and has
been spoiled for 17 years, what will be the impact of this
on him as an adult? Is it too late to help him?
Thanks,
J.
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Hi J.,
First of all, if you implement the strategies outlined in the
eBook, you will no longer be over-indulging your son. But
for the sake of discussion, let’s look at what happens
when parents do NOT adopt a more assertive parenting
style:
Indulgent parents behave in an accepting, benign, and
somewhat more passive way in matters of discipline.
They place relatively few demands on the child's
behavior, giving the child a high degree of freedom to
act as he or she wishes.
Indulgent parents are more likely to believe that control is
an infringement on the child's freedom that may interfere
with the child's healthy development. Instead of actively
shaping their child's behavior, indulgent parents are
more likely to view themselves as resources that the
child may or may not use.
As a result, the child grows up to be self-indulgent. He
also tends to be bored, apathetic, and restless with little
or no initiative.
The spoiled adult passively expects others to take
responsibility for him (e.g., “I should not have to work for
anything – you owe me!”).
He expects others to anticipate his wishes (e.g., “I should
not have to tell you what I want, you’re supposed to
know!”).
He hates to work (assuming he can even hold a job).
He usually has no career decisions, no preparation, or
persistence.
And he often attaches to a partner who will over-indulge
him, either by using attractiveness or pretending
weakness.
(Do you know any wives who have husbands who don’t
have a job and seem unwilling to find one? I know a few.
The over-indulgent wife pays all the bills and takes
responsibility for everything – including parenting the
kids.)
But again, it’s not too late for your son. You’ve probably
got at least another year to influence him. You’re on the
right track now. Keep up the tough love.
Mark
| Over-Indulgent or Passive Parenting-- Overindulgent parenting is associated with children who:
The reasons parents indulge their children:
The results of overindulgence:
Parents who overindulge have trouble:
|
An email from a member of Online Parent Support:
"I realized I was very good at allowing my children to be
independent, but I was not very good at setting clear and
firm limits for behavior. My children easily discovered
rules that could be broken if their protests were long and
loud enough.
Often times, I just want to avoid the hassle of a conflict.
It was easier for me to let the rules slide than to deal
with the fuss. Also, it was sometimes hard to refuse my
children anything, because I did not want them to be
unhappy. I thought unhappy children equals bad parents.
And I guess at some level I was afraid my children would
become angry and hate me if I set some boundaries.
Now I know that children want to know that their parents
are in charge; they need structure and limits."
"I realized I was very good at allowing my children to be
independent, but I was not very good at setting clear and
firm limits for behavior. My children easily discovered
rules that could be broken if their protests were long and
loud enough.
Often times, I just want to avoid the hassle of a conflict.
It was easier for me to let the rules slide than to deal
with the fuss. Also, it was sometimes hard to refuse my
children anything, because I did not want them to be
unhappy. I thought unhappy children equals bad parents.
And I guess at some level I was afraid my children would
become angry and hate me if I set some boundaries.
Now I know that children want to know that their parents
are in charge; they need structure and limits."
Instructional Video #10
Instructional Video #11
| No More Free Handouts! When parents “save” their child from investing any of his own time, energy or money in his privileges, the privileges have little or no value to the child. Kids only value that which they have an investment in. When a privilege is unearned, there is no investment – and without investment, there is no appreciation. And children who don’t appreciate their privileges tend to abuse them. They also have little respect for the “giver” (i.e., the loving, caring, well- intention parent). A child tends not to appreciate the things his parents do for him, but he does appreciate the things he does for himself. Privileges can come in many forms. For example, having the freedom to:
Each time a parent gives away any of the above for free, she can expect her child to:
Parents tend to believe that the more they give their child (i.e., stuff and freedom) the more they will be appreciated... ...and the more they do for their child (i.e., make him/her comfortable) the more the child will bond with - and respect - them. Unfortunately, it works the opposite way. The more you give, the more you are unappreciated. And the more you do, the more you feel detached from your child - and the more disrespect you receive. Examples of free handouts of “freedom” (i.e., unearned privileges) include:
|
Failure to Launch--
The latest parenting challenge is dealing with emerging
adults who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 18
to 25-year-olds either return home after college or they've
never even left home. The media refers to them as
"Boomerang Kids." Parents are worried that their kids
won't leave home.
This new phenomenon is highlighted in the movie
Failure to Launch. Matthew McConaughey plays Tripp,
30-something bachelor whose parents want him out of
the house. They've hired Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker),
an interventionist, to help him move out. Paula has a
track record of successfully boosting men's self-
confidence to cause them to want to be independent.
Interestingly, this story line is not as far-fetched as it may
seem. Young adults are indeed becoming more difficult
to coax out of their comfy childhood homes.
Since the '70s, the number of 24-year-olds still living at
home has nearly doubled! Here are the top 4 factors
contributing to this change:
1. They Are Unprepared
They are overwhelmed or unmotivated to live
independently. They would rather play it safe by
occupying the family home, playing computer games
and delivering pizza.
These kids often grow up living the life of the privileged.
Here, well-meaning parents provide their children with
all the amenities congruent with an affluent lifestyle. The
parents are focused on doing more for their children
than what their parents did for them – at the expense of
keeping them dependent. Kids don't move out because
they've got it made!
When your financial generosity isn't combined with
teaching kids how to become self-sufficient at an early
age, we cannot expect them to automatically possess
adequate life-skills when they reach legal adulthood.
How will they gain the skills to confidently live their own
life when they haven't had the opportunity to do things for
themselves?
2. They Are Cautious or Clueless
They are committed, but unsure how to discover their
ideal career path. They approach college with the same
trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out
that it no longer prepares them for today's competitive
world.
Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they
are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions.
In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this
is much too late! It's best to start young, at age 13. This
stage of development is the perfect time to begin
connecting the dots between what they love to do and
possible career options. It can take years to prepare for
the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens
maximize their opportunities in high school and make
college a much better investment.
3. They Have Personal Problems
They don't have effective life coping-skills, have failed
relationships or are grieving some other loss or wrestling
with a challenging life event.
In Failure to Launch, we learn that Tripp's parents
indulged him largely because the woman he loved died,
and he hasn't gotten over his loss. When Tripp falls in
love with Paula – the new girl of his dreams – his self-
sabotaging habit of dumping a girl before she can get too
close gets reactivated. Finally, his friends intervene and
Tripp eventually faces his demons, to everyone's delight.
If your teen is struggling emotionally, don't make the
mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better
without an intervention. Tough love requires that you
insist your adolescent begin to display an element of
responsibility so that he or she can move forward. If you
don't know how to have that kind of conversation,
consider getting help from your parent coach.
4. They Have Mounting Debt
They've accumulated significant credit card debt and
moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off.
According to the National Credit Card Research
Foundation, 55 percent of students ages 16 to 22 have
at least one credit card. If your teen falls into this group,
make sure you monitor spending together online.
Helping your teen understand how to budget and
manage credit cards will be important for handling a
household budget in the future.
Kids can't learn to manage money if they don't have any
or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring
moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal
amount for room and board. As an adult member of your
household, it's important for your young adult to
contribute to household chores and expenses.
If the purpose of your child's return home is to pay off bills
or a college loan, have a realistic plan and stick to the
plan to make sure your young adult moves out of the
house.
Determine Goals and Stick to Them—
Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will
consider offering some short-term help. However,
indulging an adult child's inaction does not help that son
or daughter begin his/her own life. If your child defaults
on your agreement, be willing to enforce consequences
to help him launch into responsible adulthood.
The latest parenting challenge is dealing with emerging
adults who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 18
to 25-year-olds either return home after college or they've
never even left home. The media refers to them as
"Boomerang Kids." Parents are worried that their kids
won't leave home.
This new phenomenon is highlighted in the movie
Failure to Launch. Matthew McConaughey plays Tripp,
30-something bachelor whose parents want him out of
the house. They've hired Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker),
an interventionist, to help him move out. Paula has a
track record of successfully boosting men's self-
confidence to cause them to want to be independent.
Interestingly, this story line is not as far-fetched as it may
seem. Young adults are indeed becoming more difficult
to coax out of their comfy childhood homes.
Since the '70s, the number of 24-year-olds still living at
home has nearly doubled! Here are the top 4 factors
contributing to this change:
1. They Are Unprepared
They are overwhelmed or unmotivated to live
independently. They would rather play it safe by
occupying the family home, playing computer games
and delivering pizza.
These kids often grow up living the life of the privileged.
Here, well-meaning parents provide their children with
all the amenities congruent with an affluent lifestyle. The
parents are focused on doing more for their children
than what their parents did for them – at the expense of
keeping them dependent. Kids don't move out because
they've got it made!
When your financial generosity isn't combined with
teaching kids how to become self-sufficient at an early
age, we cannot expect them to automatically possess
adequate life-skills when they reach legal adulthood.
How will they gain the skills to confidently live their own
life when they haven't had the opportunity to do things for
themselves?
2. They Are Cautious or Clueless
They are committed, but unsure how to discover their
ideal career path. They approach college with the same
trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out
that it no longer prepares them for today's competitive
world.
Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they
are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions.
In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this
is much too late! It's best to start young, at age 13. This
stage of development is the perfect time to begin
connecting the dots between what they love to do and
possible career options. It can take years to prepare for
the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens
maximize their opportunities in high school and make
college a much better investment.
3. They Have Personal Problems
They don't have effective life coping-skills, have failed
relationships or are grieving some other loss or wrestling
with a challenging life event.
In Failure to Launch, we learn that Tripp's parents
indulged him largely because the woman he loved died,
and he hasn't gotten over his loss. When Tripp falls in
love with Paula – the new girl of his dreams – his self-
sabotaging habit of dumping a girl before she can get too
close gets reactivated. Finally, his friends intervene and
Tripp eventually faces his demons, to everyone's delight.
If your teen is struggling emotionally, don't make the
mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better
without an intervention. Tough love requires that you
insist your adolescent begin to display an element of
responsibility so that he or she can move forward. If you
don't know how to have that kind of conversation,
consider getting help from your parent coach.
4. They Have Mounting Debt
They've accumulated significant credit card debt and
moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off.
According to the National Credit Card Research
Foundation, 55 percent of students ages 16 to 22 have
at least one credit card. If your teen falls into this group,
make sure you monitor spending together online.
Helping your teen understand how to budget and
manage credit cards will be important for handling a
household budget in the future.
Kids can't learn to manage money if they don't have any
or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring
moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal
amount for room and board. As an adult member of your
household, it's important for your young adult to
contribute to household chores and expenses.
If the purpose of your child's return home is to pay off bills
or a college loan, have a realistic plan and stick to the
plan to make sure your young adult moves out of the
house.
Determine Goals and Stick to Them—
Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will
consider offering some short-term help. However,
indulging an adult child's inaction does not help that son
or daughter begin his/her own life. If your child defaults
on your agreement, be willing to enforce consequences
to help him launch into responsible adulthood.
| CLICK HERE for the handout on Dependency |
Can't see the video? CLICK HERE
Can't see the video? CLICK HERE